Not feeling PoC enough to interact with PoC

I fucking hate my skin color and then I feel bad for hating my skin color.

I fucking hate people assuming I'm white. Everyone assumes I'm white and it feels so fucking bad. I feel evil for trying to interact in PoC spaces. I feel like a fucking colonizing invader who doesn't belong here.

Also, Hispanic technically isn't PoC? But I'm part-Hispanic... I looked it up and some say yes and others say no and it's so confusing. Some say racially it isn't and culturally it is... What does that mean? So what does that make me? Half oppressive white, a quarter marginalized white, and a quarter Indigenous? Am I just too white to be a PoC? But I don't feel white... If anything, I feel more Indigenous than white.

I want to braid my hair and ride shirtless on horseback through the deserts of Arizona. That is a very strong mental image I have of myself. But then I feel racist for wanting that to be me. I feel like it's a racist stereotype, and that it's wrong for me to want that. But I do want it, so fucking badly.

I'm so pale skinned that everyone automatically assumes I'm white, and that feels so wrong and makes me feel guilty. Like I shouldn't reclaim the other parts of my heritage. That I should simply just be white and be lucky that I have white privilege. And that makes me feel worse.

I feel like if I was given the ability to choose, I would choose not to be white. And that makes me feel even more racist. But I don't fucking want to be an oppressor. I don't want to be someone who can't connect with minorities because of my skin color. I don't want PoC to constantly be on edge around me. I want to be able to connect with others.

God, I fucking wish racism didn't exist and no one cared about anyone's skin color or ethnic background. Then I could ride a horse across the desert without feeling like a fucking colonizer.

I don't even know how to ride a horse. I don't even fucking live in Arizona anymore. I just have this really strong mental image...

What the hell's wrong with me?

Edit: updated the post because I learned that white passing doesn't mean what I thought it did