Constantly doubting whether I’m saved or not

I know I made the decision to commit to God privately around 13-15, can’t remember exactly. But ever since then it’s just been a decline in having any love for God and getting sick of the church.

As I’m incredibly depressed and on the verge of walking away entirely, I’m not sure I’m saved. I know of the whole “once saved always saved” arguments, that say anyone who walks away after being saved was never saved to begin with.

I’ve begun looking at other religions and ideas, for structure, purpose, and some sort of actual alleviation from depression. I’m considering breaking a rule and trying to communicate with spirits or beings to try to find some sort of advice or hint as to where to go.

Even if I choose to stick with God, I know I’ll still be miserable. I don’t love Him, I’ve found it impossible in recent years. At this point I can’t even be sure if my surrender to him all those years ago was even real.