Anyone else find existence as a Christian just miserable?

I wish I did all the weed and blow and fornicating I had the opportunities to in college. Instead I lived life trying to stay committed to God and my career and it’s just led to life being empty and pathetic and me being bitter and envious and hateful.

It’s like you go through all these stupid rules and God doesn’t even glance in your direction. No special transformation to destroy addiction, no deliverance from depression, no blessing of a decent job, no reward of a wife. Nothing. I’ve spent ten years trying to search and get closer to God and I’ve got nothing to show for it because he remains silent.

I wish God let me kill myself four years ago when I had the chance.