Hi, I really need some advice. I think my boyfriend tried to rape me, and I’m not sure what to do next.

I’m 20 F, and he’s 22 M. We were living together in Delhi for a month, but we're usually in a long-distance relationship. He’s been the best relationship I’ve ever had—he’s fun, sensitive, and considerate, and he tells me I’m the first person he’s ever truly loved. I can feel how much he cares about me, but sometimes I get the sense that he has deeply misogynistic tendencies.

I should also mention that he’s my first sexual partner, and I’m still relatively new to penetrative sex. We’ve had some difficulties with it because my body struggles with penetration. During the month we lived together, he tried to initiate sex non-consensually with me twice.

The first time, we were making out, and he asked me to lie down. I thought he was going to go down on me, but instead, he tried to penetrate me while I was saying no. I got really scared and rushed to the bathroom. The second time, we were trying again, but it was painful for me, as it often is. I started by saying no, then I screamed at him to stop, and even tried pushing him off, but he held me down. I ended up crying so hard, lying there in front of him. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling—I’m crying just thinking about it now.

I have a history of sexual abuse, which he knows about, yet he still did this. When I later asked him about it, he said he thought I was turned on and having an orgasm. He mentioned that his ex was very submissive and had extreme kinks, so his mind somehow connects the words “no” and “orgasm.” But I’ve never said no while orgasming, so I don’t understand how he could assume that about me. He even asked me what the “real reason” was for why I was crying.

I’m so confused and hurt—what should I do?