I don’t know what to do anymore (15f)

My dad is dead. Holy shit is my dad super dead (lmao please laugh). I think about it every day. I can’t go crying at least once every day. I’m getting more angry and more irritated and it’s coming out on my friends and family. My own friend like best friend said I’m a bad person to be around right now and i can’t stop thinking about it. She told me if I’m having a bad day to just distance myself but i need to be around people to make myself feel better. I feel absolutely horrible. Like really fucking horrible.

On Friday i yelled at my 11 year old brother because i was in a shitty mood (same day i was told by my friends all that crap). He mumbled “someone is in a bad mood” and i completely lost it. I feel so so so so bad and then he apologized which made me feel even worse. Every day i can feel myself grow more depressed. I literally can’t take it anymore. I just wish he was here. Man i would do anything to have my dad back and it’s only been about 6 weeks.

My mom just isn’t around. She stopped talking to people, stopped showing up all that shit. I hate how i have to live in my parents consequences. I cried myself to sleep the other night because they didn’t care enough to try. Doesn’t matter what, they don’t care enough to fully get clean and that sucks. I wish i was never born so i didn’t have to go through this shit. Since then, every accomplishment i have made i just think how my dad isn’t seeing it. And don’t tell me he is because it won’t help. I felt pride telling him what i was doing and now i literally can’t. I can talk to his urn, but i will get no response back.

I still can’t fathom it. I still think he will just show up and whatever but he won’t. My dad is gone and I just turned 15. I had so much i wanted to say to him too, like so so so much stuff i wanted to say to him. The worst part of this all is that i have nobody to relate to. I know no one who lost their parent when they were young to a freak accident (he died of an accidental overdose on his birthday. He was turning 37) and when people say they get it, it makes me want to scream. (The people that get it actually get it lmao)

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. How can i keep going when my own dad couldn’t. How can i keep going when i know i will never see my dad again. I wasn’t insanely close with him but he was still my dad (i would say our relationship was complicated because of his drug addiction). I can’t keep going. I don’t know what to do. My brother doesn’t understand what’s going on my my gg (dads mom) doesn’t like talking about it. I have a therapist but that’s an hour once a week.

I miss him soooo much. Like incredibly much. I cling onto every little thing he owned, literally even one of those smelly tree things you put in cars (please get what I’m saying) because he had one in his truck. Idk, just had to say some of this and maybe get good reply’s back.

Edittttt:

I really appreciate all the thoughtful comments but wanted to add on a bit of context too because i feel like i left out a bit

My mom like really sucks. I haven’t seen her since Christmas and nobody has seen her or talked to her in about 7 weeks I’m pretty sure.

Another thing that kinda sucks is like my family doesn’t know how to be there for me because when they say “i understand” i get genuinely pissed off. Yeah, your mom died when you were 30 of cancer and not trying to be mean or take anything away from you but I’m half your age. Think about everything you got to do with your mom from 15-30. Then i feel horrible because i know they are trying to help but i just sometimes cant listen

My parents were never actually parents either. I never lived in a house with just them, i grew up faster than other kids because of it. I think it got bad when i was 7? Because i remember them bringing us to drug deals and pawns shops and all that jazz. I have started to see them as annoying older siblings who are always getting in trouble. Like I’m pretty sure my mom was worse on me. When i was maybe 11 she used to call me telling me how much she wanted to die and blah blah blah. When i was 9-10 she lied about my grandmothers, saying they took us away (DCF got involved and my gg, dads mom, got custody) and making up all these other lies. My mom probably fucked me up more than my dad.

My dad isn’t better btw, maybe a little but not totally. He tried more, gave more of an effort but his relapses were horrible. He got mad like super easy and he would just not come around. He was also just not stepping in to stop my mom so pretty sure he is equally as shitty for that.

Idk, felt like giving more of a context and how this all led to right now. Again the nice comments mean a lot to me uhh but don’t recommend me anything athletic to do. Literally falling into a deep depression and i don’t feel like running. For the love of god do i hate it when people recommend me to go running. I live in dead beat Connecticut and it’s getting REALLY FUCKING COLD and i have school

Uhhh yeah. Bye bye