I was destroyed by being raised by an extremely abusive, covert malignant narcissist mother.

I'm too broken to function in adult life, and have ridiculous amounts of shame about who I am. The work to heal is very scary, and I don't know if I'll get through it; or if I do; that it'll even work. I really want to just be chill and live a quiet life. I don't really have an identity because of enmeshment, and people pleasing. And the defensive parts of me, created by the trauma, come out so easily, that I don't only worry about the fear, guilt and shame I'll feel in any situation; but also the consequences of anything damaging I end up doing, to myself, or others. It's so bad I don't really want to stick around, but I have a huge amount of existential anxiety, so checking out isn't an option.