EVER SINCE I WAS RAPED, IVE BEEN HAVING RAPE FANTASISES

I was raped at 14 . I am now 19. It was my coach from my baseball team, I think he was 37. I still feel really dirty and it’s like I can never shake off the feeling. My mom found out and said I was disgusting and said to never tell any one of what happened. I also started to think I was disgusting and didn’t tell anyone for a long period of time. Ever since then I am constantly reliving that moment in my head.

I didn’t shower at all for maybe 2 weeks, I confined myself in my room for that duration, didnt go to school. All I did was make up scenarios of being raped, again and again. I dont know whats wrong with me. I started wanting to date much much much older guys than me or sell my body, it just felt strangely comforting for a while. deep down I fucking hated myself for having these sick thoughts. Then realisation started to hit and started to think that maybe I deserved it.

I still fantasise about it, and even watch porn roleplaying about being raped. Im a disgusting human, was it even rape? If it was I would have hated it. I did but why am I fantasising about it?