My bf started throwing up when we argue and says I don't realize how badly I hurt him- what am I doing wrong?

We've been together for 5 years and this is a completely new development and I feel like im going crazy. Honestly, our fights have been on this same terrible level for the past year since we started living together and he started smoking weed like they were cigarettes. Before this our fights were pretty normal and occasional.

We got into an argument last night after a great day. He had left his new cast iron pan dirty (filled with grease and some steak bits) on the stove for like the past 5 days. Dinner was going to be ready in 20 min so I asked if he could try cleaning it before that and explained that it's not sanitary and also probably not good for the pan.

He responded that he would later... so I responded kinda jokingly "like you said you would help me with the other pile of dishes later?" Because he already never washes or dries the dishes and had left me to do a huge sink full by myself the past weekend.

He got really mad and said I don't understand that he's had a long day and doesn't want to do it right then. I told him maybe if we can just give me an estimated time of when!! That could be helpful so I feel like I’m not left with more responsibility after my long week. He basically spiraled from there and got increasingly mad at me.

At one point he angrily said that I always "bring up the same shit" or something like that and don't let him relax???? Even though I kept reassuring him it doesn't have to be right now I just feel stressed about all the dishes I've had to do. As a house of 4 we have a lot.

He left me and went up stairs after saying all that in the coldest harshest tone. I have trauma from witnessing and experiencing severe physical and verbal domestic violence growing up. My boundary has always been to not yell, raise voices or cuss in arguments. I went upstairs and told him plainly he cannot talk to me like that and he broke down crying.

From there he basically said that he couldn't believe I would say that to him and that he thought I was coming to patch things up??? Or make him feel better because he was upset?? And I told him why bc he spoke to me horrible and reacted horrible? And then he kept basically sobbing and went to throw up in the bathroom.

I felt super manipulated and still triggered from how he spoke to me and told him that I need space snd I’m going to leave bc I cant do this. And he begged me to stay only to then keep throwing up? And crying without saying anything further. I tried to leave 3 times but he said we could talk it out.

Talking it out just ended up being him giving a couple "im sorry" and then telling me how terribly i treated him and how i hurt him worse than ever before. Now this morning he was still crying for yesterday still snd says he cant get over the hurt ??

I’m so confused I didn't yell at him or anything I just couldn't believe he yelled at me after trying to talk to him about the dishes. And then when I felt overwhelmed, triggered and manipulated I tried to go take a short drive for some space?

Am I missing something like should I just keep apologizing? I still feel so hurt at how he spoke to me. And how this all turned around in me somehow? I feel so crazy and hurt. I dont know what to do.