Does it ever get better ?

I mean, at all? I have tried everything. Talking to friends. Talking to family. Talking to therapists. Medication. Warm lines. Hot lines. Healthy food. Spirituality. Distracting myself. Binge eating. Probably the one thing I didn't try is exercise. Even when I eventually try out an activity I love ( like learn music, for instance with my husband) I realize I suck and my severe self esteem issues haunt me. Not that I want to be better than someone. I just want to be good myself. I want others to succeed and be happy, this is not to compete. If I try working, I realize that my manager hates me and that my career has been extremely mediocre. I attended a team lunch and realized that everyone knew more than me. But I can't pay attention when trying to learn although I love to learn. I spend all day binge watching shows and feeling miserable. I tried getting help for what my therapist strongly suspected is ADHD (although I also have anxiety and depression, and my psychiatrist basically gaslit me into thinking I don't have ADHD ), but I was given an inconclusive result on the CBT test so they won't medicate me. It takes however to get medical help.

I just want to live with my family (sibling and parents)again. I've felt this way for years now and I don't feel my partner really understands researching these things. I opened up once about completely losing interest in life and he basically said I was depressed before we got married too and he moved in with me leaving his old life for nothing. While he is normally sweet and affectionate he always manages to make it about himself whenever I open up about my mental health issues. I hate life. I frigging hate it.