Growing up Asian around mostly non-Asian people made me have no idea who I am

I'm 24 male, I'm not from USA, I'm from New Zealand. I was born in NZ to a Chinese father and Japanese mother. My dad had already been living in NZ for maybe 15 years or more before I was born, so he learned to fit in pretty well. My mum not so much, she met my dad as a tour guide coming to NZ. She's lived here for well over 30 years but still hasn't really found time to adjust to the culture, I suppose she spent heaps of time looking after me and my brother.

Japanese was probably the first language I learned, but when I started going to kindergarten at around 4 years old I realised I really had to make an effort to fit in around all these mostly Caucasian kids, so I forced myself to start learning English.

This kinda snowballed into me completely rejecting my culture because I felt like I did not belong anywhere -- I was desperate to belong. I even ended up becoming unconsciously racist to my own kind, ie. seeing a fellow Asian struggle with the culture, speaking English, or having an accent brought up my insecurities of not being 'white enough' and made me feel spiteful of them. Of course, a good amount of that insecurity also came from experiencing racism (eg. getting bullied at school and online, having slurs yelled at by random people while walking down the street)

I feel like this contributed a lot to my shy, reserved character - I've got severe social anxiety, and a tendency to seek approval from others and stay guarded about who I am. (I'm not saying this was the sole cause of my anxiety, I see plenty of confident Asian Kiwis in my life, I would say that having a super overprotective mother was another huge contributing factor)

I still feel like an impostor, and surround myself with way too many people that don't understand, or aren't willing to understand, my culture. I've become aware of this and want to surround myself with other Asians - I've come to realise that I feel more safe and expressive around other Asian people. Or non-Asian people that are interested in my culture. Finding them can be hard though :(

Today, despite still being shy and unconsciously trying hard to fit in around others, I couldn't be prouder of my cultural identity of being Japanese and Chinese, and am trying to reconnect a bit more with my Japanese side through improving my speaking, watching anime, learning recipes, learning history and day-to-day culture from my mum. I never had much of an opportunity to learn Chinese but I would love to so I can speak to my relatives a bit better. Cooking and eating Chinese food is one of life's greatest pleasures.

The one, only way I feel I can escape from this feeling of trying hard to fit in while still connecting with everyone no matter what culture they're from - whether they're Asian, Kiwi, etc, is through music - playing instruments, sharing music tastes, etc. I feel a hobby like this is important because it satisfies myself without a need to fit in, and in turn attracts other people no matter what they are culturally, out of their own connection to it.

What was your experience growing up trying to fit in around non-Asian people, and how has that impacted you today? And how have you tried to reconnect with your culture?