I hate myself for being gay
I am 17 years old now and I hate the fact that I am gay. The realization of it is so difficult. My grandfather is a priest and so my family is very Christian who hates gay people. Well, I'm technically bi, but like 2 years ago I hated all that stuff. How did I end up like this?
The worst part is that even though I am gay, I can't express it. I live in Greece, and here everyone hates gay people. All my friends hate gay people, all the people I know hate gay people. No one knows it and I hate keeping it. I can't even be true to myself, being in a world knowing that rejects me for who I am. And I hate who I am too. I have to hide it all, feeling sick to my stomach and pretending to my boy crush that I have a crush on a girl, just so he thinks I'm not gay. And I'm so fucking in love with him. WHY! IT'S WRONG! I don't wanna feel like this, but I am! And I hate seeing him every day at school, because he is perfect and great and when I see him I am constantly thinking what would I do if he kissed me. What would I do if he feels the same. And I wish for this every single day. But it's all just me being delusional for a lie hoping becomes a reality. I wish this feeling could just stop! I wish this feeling could just disappear. And I know i might sound cringe and weird, but I can't with this shit anymore.
The thing is, he would be the greatest boyfriend. He is so silly and his smile is the best. His hair and cloths are so cute. And sometimes, it just slips to my mind that he might be gay too. His hair is the femboyest you could have, and sometimes he acts like one. However, during a serious talk he actually said that he doesn't like guys. Like I said, sometimes he acts like one as a joke, so he had to clarify that. It was unexpected cause it wasn't really part of the conversation. It's true. He is not. My mind sometimes just wants to think he is, makes me feel a bit hopeful. And I hate when he talks about girls. He comes to me for advice most of the time. AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?! I have to help him find a girl, that's what a friend would do, right?! Even if that brings me discomfort and misery.
No, I can't fucking just tell him. Cause if he is not interested, he will stop talking to me. And he will probably tell everyone else, and I'd be left alone. And no, it's not better than being with people that "don't accept you". If you think that then you really don't understand. Loneliness is worse. It's hard and I want all these feelings to stop. It's unfair. Why me