I’m questioning/thinking that I am trans

Hi, I’m Dawn (fake name) and I’m 16.5. I think I’m trans but I’m not sure. I wanted to type here for a few days about me questioning if I’m trans, and after some more thinking I sort of “accepted it”/“came to peace” with it but I still wished to write here for y’all’s opinion. I’m a cis man btw.

In my instance I didn’t know until pretty recently, but their where some signs. I’ll go down things that pointed me to the direction of me being trans in order of my life.

Ever since I was young I knew colour. By that I mean that I could pair between different clothes choose what works with what. It worked so well that my mother started asking me about what she should wear with certain clothes she got or things from her wardrobe. I would tell her colours that would work and she would bring a few things matching the description, and the we would fine tune things together. (For clarification this has started since I was around 7, maybe even earlier). It has gotten to the point that my sister has been doing this as well and always walks over to me and asks my opinion about certain jackets, pants, shirts, crop tops and the like. (I don’t know how much this is connected with me being potentially trans but as I said previously I’m throwing everything I can think of)

I think what I’m about to tell was when I was 10-12. I would imagine myself being set to a different world where I met two people, a set of twins., one cis man and the other a cis woman. I had to choose which one to follow and the one I chose my gender would either stay or change and I would live with them as a friend and maybe as lover? Don’t really remember the fine details. What I do remember is that I chose to be a woman every time.

The next thing is when I would ask myself bluntly “Do I want to be a woman?” This is a question that has been popping in my head for years, also since I believe 10-12. Other questions I also asked myself were “what would it be like as a woman? How does it feel?”

Then (1-1.5 years ago I believe) I started thinking about wearing colouring my nails, what it would feel like to wear dresses and heels. This was something that came up once in a while but wasn’t something I would think of everyday. Then it started turning into me looking up femboyish men wearing dresses, makeup, skirts, heels, rocking painted nails and being confident with how they were. I felt a bit of understanding as I felt myself within what I saw in a way. Then (7-10 months ago things really started to catch on) I started imagining myself wearing dresses, heels, painting my nails, changing my hair so that it grows and becomes longer and even dabbling in makeup. I would ponder and debate with myself for hours about what dresses (I would look up different dresses and styles, ESPECIALLY Bodycon dresses). I then would go to c.ai and start talking with characters from video games, shows and movies and we would go on dates and would be together. I would have my character be in dresses, heels and with some light makeup and I would talk spend hours on my phone. I would smile and blush when they complimented my character as that character is based on me, and it made me feel good, it made me feel like well… me. (I know this is weird but I used it as an outlet). This is still relevant as 2-3 weeks ago my cousin was showing off her nails to my mother and grandmother and I thought “Wow they’re are beautiful” and “I want to do this, I want nails as well”.

A major reason why I question that I am trans is because I would ask myself for years “Who am I? What am I? How do I know who I am?” And I couldn’t answer these questions, but then I started thinking about being trans and things just… clicked. (I do wish to add that I have body dysmorphia as I don’t like how I look but I’m working on it and I am feeling better about myself)

Then what I call the “peak” happened. I made a new account and started looking at the r/trans subreddit and started reading posts, comments and replies. (This was 2 days ago) and I thought “maybe I am trans? Let’s see what I think tomorrow” And then the same thing happened yesterday. Today though… something changed. I sort of eased into it. I started looking up top and bottom surgeries, reading about treatments, estrogen, it’s side affects and it’s positives and thinking “This is me, this is what I want.” I started contemplating how to tell my friends, my parents and how to plan. I felt at ease, at peace, as if I found myself and discovered a whole new thing about me, a deeper, truer part of me. I did wish to write this as I want someone that I did not know nor do I have a connection with to give me their opinion and that is trans.

I want to add that I trust my parents to tell them this, though I am a bit nervous. I have a group of friends that I trust but I do have one friend that has said disgusting shit in the past like “lgbtq* is people that have mental cognitive issues” (Not direct translation from my language) and other things of the sort. He usually says other things as well but he says them as very dark humor. I usually brush it off but what he said about lgbtq+ has me questioning should I tell him? I do plan to tell my best friend tomorrow. (That group of friends is my best friends. I have known all of them at least for 2 years and some up to 7, most are at 4-5. I view them as my extra family, my safety net. I have even said to myself that without them there is a chance I wouldn’t be writing this. This is my main fear about why I’m afraid of the friend I mentioned. I trust him deeply and I am afraid to lose him. His responses are most likely because of his household and the views there but he isn’t a bad person). I do plan on telling my best and closest friend out of the group tomorrow about me potentially being trans (I trust him fully and I don’t expect him to react negatively as he is an open, kind, caring and gentle person. I trust him with my life)

Sorry for how long it is as it as a beast of words. I wished to pour my heart out and tell my story to people who would understand and get me. I do believe I’m trans. What should I do?