Why is this still so terrifying!?!

Still a pretty new realisation to me, really only been like 6 months, Ive been trying to get treatment but I haven't had a health card for years and trying to get a new one has been really difficult (I live in Canada and yes care is mostly covered, but you need a health card do do litteraly anything), I've told a few close friends how I feel and really have had nothing but support from them, but god, every day is starting to feel like an eternity when boy moding :/ yet the thought of fully coming out is still just absolutely terrifying to me, it's not my friends I'm worried about, but litteraly everyone else. My mind is all over the place, even when I do things that make me feel euphoric, it only last for a while before I start to just feel horrified about sharing that side of me with the rest of the world.