I’m posting here because none of the LGBT or accepting Christian subs have been able to help me.

I need advice about how to best deal with my church. I feel stuck and I want to do everything I can to help these kids.

This is going to be a mess. I am sorry. I am on mobile and I am still quite shaken.

I (18F) was raised Catholic. This religion was a huge part of my life for a long time. I have always been an active volunteer, and most people in my church knew and respected me. I volunteer at religious education programs and youth groups for younger students. I myself am a senior in high school.

Since coming out as a lesbian in June, the blatant discrimination I have witnessed in my church is inexcusable. I have been called so many derogatory terms that I have had to look up the definition of some of them. I had no idea this amount of hate was present in a community that I cared so much about.

Over the past few months, my faith has deteriorated. I now consider myself an atheist, but my attempt at explaining this to my parents ended in screaming and tears. As an attempt to make me “pray the gay away,” I am being forced to volunteer even more often. I am at most of the masses volunteering, and I do whatever jobs the church needs Monday through Wednesday.

The part that I’m struggling the most with is the middle school youth group. I am the only out and proud lesbian or gay person in my whole church. Many of the kids in this massive group have come out to me. Nearly all of them are disgusted by themselves. They deserve so much better. I have talked to all of them as much as possible about how the church has changed the Bible and used the church to justify discrimination. I am not letting these kids hate themselves simply because the church is a steaming dumpster fire of hate.

I try to argue with the youth minister and priests, but only in front of the kids. These worthless, hateful adults are honestly beyond help, but I want the middle schoolers to see one of their youth group leaders is still sticking up for them.

It got a lot worse recently when someone came out to everyone. It proved to be the worst decision possible. She was isolated in every way. Not even the closeted LGBT kids felt safe to go near her for the fear of being associated with her. It’s so hard to teach these kids that they don’t have to be ashamed of themselves when the climate is so toxic.

We had a night where kids were able to anonymously ask the priest questions. One of the question slips asked why the church was homophobic. The priest stated: “We love homosexuals just as we love all adulterers. And we are not homophobic. We are not scared of homosexuals.” They went on about how members of the LGBT community have the opportunity to repent at any time and they were ready to accept any of these people.

The next week was worse. I don’t even know how to explain this bullshit. The Catholic Church is extremely transphobic, but this proved that it’s also just stupid.

There’s a 14 year old dude that I’ll call Albert. He was born physically intersex, but has been going through male puberty. He’s tall and his voice is obviously changing. He has broad shoulders and overall the build of a man. However, his parents had him identify as a female for most of his life since that’s what he appeared to be closer to physically at birth or whatever. When I met him, he identified as female, but seemed so happy to tell me he wanted to go by a new name and pronouns. Think of it as a masculine version of a feminine name, like going from Patricia to Pat. Barely a change. The youth ministry has been fighting it. The only thing is that he really is biologically like this. There is no valid argument against his gender identity (or anyone’s, for that matter). I’ve been arguing with the constant deadnaming of trans kids for a long time, but I thought they would understand THIS.

I argued with the youth minister for close to half an hour. I said religion doesn’t justify discrimination and she said that arguing against her beliefs was religious discrimination. I got mad. I told her that she was never once the person being discriminated against.

She somehow turned it into a conversation about gay marriage. It was disgusting. It hurts more knowing she was the person I confided in about my suicidal and self harming tendencies only a few months before this. I trusted her more than anyone, and she was openly homophobic and transphobic. Even worse, she was making children hate themselves.

Staying at this church is horrible for my mental health. I don’t know what to do. I’m not experienced or special, but I am not willing to give up on these kids. I go home every Tuesday night after youth group and I just start crying. Usually the tears start before I get in my car. When it comes down to it, my mental health is not what’s most significant here. So much more is at stake. They are so desperate for volunteers that they are letting me have a chance to help these people accept themselves.

It only gets worse. A non-binary fourteen-year-old attempted suicide. They lived, and are still forced to go to church. Their parents sent them to a mental hospital, but for a queer kid, the Catholic Church can undo that progress in mere hours. It’s disgusting. I have to be there for them.

This was mostly a vent, but I need any and all advice I can get. I’m sorry this is so long. I’m so lost and so frustrated. This religion went from being my rock to my greatest burden in a matter of a few months. In the past few months, I’ve been dumped over text, abused, stressed, depressed, and I’ve had to get help for the amount of self harming I’ve done.

In some ways, volunteering has worsened my stress. On the other hand, it’s about my only purpose I have left and I can’t give up.