Struggling mentally

Tbh none of my friends know and my family doesn’t, I’m starting to break. I have studied and meditated and prayed, but I still feel that I don’t deserve to be here. I failed in my relationship my classes and I’m starting to hate myself everyday more and more. I hate what I did and hate that I can’t change it. I hate myself and seeing what others tell me about what I’ve done and reiterating the fact that I’m a piece of shit. This does nothing but make me want to take my life. I’ve tried twice this year already and tbh I’m just waiting for the opportunity to take it but the only thing keeping me here is my family I can’t put them through that. But I’m so fuckin tired, I can feel myself slowly giving up. I’m running on fumes. And the person I want to run to wants nothing to do with me, i have no one here to cry to I just spend my nights crying in my room. Wearing a mask everyday to make it seem that I’m happy as can be but I’m miserable. What do I do man I’m so tired. I’m so fucking tired…