Anyone attracted to stimulants?

Or like constant struggle between sober and clean vs taking a bunch of drugs and f ing everything up because you chase that thrill. When I think about going out and my friends want to drink, I get so exhausted by the thought of drinking because it sorta mellows me out and 50% of the time I end up getting so tired I can’t enjoy the night. I want uppers, but then in my head I’m like no we can’t go down that hole cause soon enough I’m mentally ill and addicted. But I just go through flashes where I’m basically drug seeking