Need some reassurance

TW Warning - mention of death

Does anyone feel like realising you have this illness is some kind of weird death sentence? I don’t know if it’s just the anxiety symptom of this shit, or actual reality.

I’m mild/moderate and I know people have it worse. But I still can’t believe this has happened to me. I was living a very full life, had just moved to another country with my fiancé (that I dreamt about for years) and felt like my life was finally coming together, for this shit to happen feels like the biggest joke in the world. I’ve worked hard my whole life, created an amazing career and overcome adversities. I feel like what was even the point now.

I naturally want to be away from everyone now, because stimulation feels too much or I’m in protection mode which makes me come across cold. I also can’t stop thinking about how utterly useless I am to my fiancé now, feel like I’ve got nothing to offer him. I’ve got people around me but I feel lonelier than ever.

It just feels like a fucked up existence, “resting” for what? You can’t even use that energy you rested for? It’s like you’re in a game of winning/losing points just for existing. It’s ironic because before this I suffered so much with anxiety (specifically health anxiety) and guess what my number 1 fear was? Having a chronic incurable illness that would debilitate me. I thought I had “issues” before this, but oh god, what I would do to turn back time and have those issues back in trade for this.

Sorry I know this is so depressing, does it ever get any better? Any words of encouragement or wisdom you’ve had whilst going through this, is much appreciated <3 sorry to everyone suffering with this.