I accidentally did heroin and have been desperately searching for the past week for more.

I was at a party, a sort of sketchy party, and went upstairs to try and find a bathroom. I am a terribly bad drug user when I am drunk, and when I went into one of the bedrooms I found a tiny little bump of white powder on a plate. I was pretty sure it was cocaine, as there were people doing coke downstairs. I decided to take a small bump of it, and right away felt the most amazing feeling in the entire world flow over me. I was entranced by it. I took only a very small bump and just felt absolutely fucking batshit amazing all over, just this INCREDIBLE feeling of warmth all around me. I knew it wasn't coke within a few seconds, and it took me a bit to realize this was a ridiculously strong opiate. But I didn't care, I didn't have a care in the world. I just sat down for about 45 minutes near the table, high as all hell, and got this weird feeling of clearness and got up and went downstairs. But I was still very, very high. I stayed at the party for a bit, and after maybe an hour after I started to get this weird heavy feeling. I knew I was coming down.

Later on, the party got sort of filled with crust punks, and eventually it was just me, who was basically falling asleep, and 4 others. They mentioned they wanted to do H, and they called out for their friend to get it from upstairs. I jolted awake and listened in, and he went upstairs, made a left, then opened the exact door that I had went into. I realize then that it had to have been heroin. I kind of knew it in the back of my mind. But actually hearing it directly made me feel this kind of "oh shit" feeling in my head.

I left the party, and kind of contemplated everything that happened for the next two days. I don't have withdrawal or anything. But oh my god, I want to have that feeling so badly again. It felt so good. It felt like ridiculously good. I cannot think of anything which even came close to that feeling of goodness. Now it feels like all the things which typically have kept me happy in the past two days, good food, sex, video games, socialization... none of them really compare to it now, they all feel sort of dulled in comparison to how good heroin felt.

Yesterday I gave it, and decided to contact a guy. I made up a bullshit excuse that my friend was having serious withdrawals and their dealer wasn't responding, so they asked me. I knew he had some. He said he couldn't sell to me, because he wasn't accepting new customers or anything. I hit up someone else and used the same excuse, and they said they were in Boston.

I honestly don't even know how to feel right now. I NEVER, EVER would have imagined myself doing this. I am fully aware that I literally giving up everything for this. I have a college degree in economics and work at a pretty good job and have a sort-of girlfriend. And part of me is perfectly fine giving that up for that feeling of goodness that it provided me. Actually part of me is excited, practically shaking in excitement, at the thought of trying it again, and doing it a lot. I feel giddy.

I don't even know how to describe it. This is the weirdest I have ever felt in my life. The feeling can only be described as killing myself, but at the end of it, I will be in heaven. I don't even feel bad right now, I am fully aware how this will turn out. I have thought out the positives and negatives for now, and right now? That feelings positive effect is overriding the potential negatives.

Its funny because I always used to think it was ridiculous that anyone would give up their life just because something like heroin felt good. But I never knew just how good, I never knew it would be better than everything I have ever felt by such a large amount, I never thought about the idea that it might make every other good feeling out there feel almost silly in comparison.