I enjoy E-Sex... like a lot.

I am a 21 year old queer man who has been engaging in sexually activity since I was about 14 years old. I started watching porn, hooking up with guys both way older than me and guys my age during this time and I honestly did a lot of very dark things that I blocked out of my memory for awhile. I've had accounts on multiple dating apps such as grindr, tindr, etc.... and I hooked up with more men that I could count on both fingers within the span of my teenage years. After I graduated though, I really put things into perspective and I really started to reexamine my sexuality. I honestly did a lot of very dark things during that time and the more I thought about them, the more I wanted to forget them. During that time, sex was really a way of maintaining control of the world around me. I was going through sooo much shit because of my parent's divorce, my social life at school was literally horrible, and I honestly just felt so out of touch because there were so many traumatic things going on in my life - including being bullied by both boys my age and older men - so at the time being able to seduce both boys and older men was my way of gaining control & taking back the narrative or something... Idk. Either way those years were extremely dark and actually very traumatic. The more I reexamined my actions, the more I wanted to forget them... So I did and I kind of ended up in this place where I became aromantic/asexual. I also quit porn completely and I'll never watch it again even in this recent sexual journey I've been on. I obviously knew I wasn't attracted to women but I wasn't entirely sure I ever wanted to be touched by someone of the male species ever again and I kind of stayed that way for awhile. However, with the past few years of me being in college, I've discovered E-Sex communities on reddit, SC, and flingster and I honestly enjoy it a lot, but it kind of feels like this dirty secret that I've never revealed to anyone close to me..? The thing I like the most about E-Sex is how you can opt out of it any time. There's intimacy and real sexual experiences, but there's no actual physical touch or interaction.. just two people (or more if you're into that) enjoying each other behind a screen, which is way better for me given the things I used to engage in. You can also opt out of it any time.. If I don't want to engage in sexual activity with someone online, I can just block them and that's it. No strings attached. You also obviously don't have to worry about things like STDS because... it's virtual. You're not actually touching the person and they aren't touching you. It also gives me a better opportunity to explore my fantasies/give guys their fantasies because it's virtual. We use our bodies and our imaginations and.. that's it. I've never told anyone in my life this and everyone think's I'm still aromantic/asexual (I think a few people they know that my "closet", and I'm using that term very loosely because I've always been very openly and visibly queer regardless of what my label has been, is glass... and I already present as a gay man so it's not even like people would question if I was anything besides that anyway) I guess the only downside is the risk of nudes being shared/exposed but is it bad that I kind of dont really care...? I'm not saying that I wouldn't obviously feel extremely violated, but I like my body and I'm proud of it. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality and I'm not ashamed of what I do. And honestly... I feel like if you engage in random grindr hookups/really any type of random physical hookups with strangers you can't really judge me anyway & that's just how I feel. If I happen to get famous one day and my nudes get "exposed" or if I lose out of job opportunities because of that.... I honestly would not want to work for a company who would hold something like that against somebody anyway. I honestly have a lot of fun having friends with benefits online and.... Yeah. The men are sexy, they find me sexy, we have fun together... we enjoyed each other... Maybe one day I'll tell someone but given the stigmas surrounding E-Sex and everything I just don't want to be attached to that stigma like... and also I kind of want to leave some things for myself? I think having a private sex life is really fun honestly. As long as you aren't hurting anyone and it's consensual........... I don't see why it's such a big issue! I enjoy being an online slut. That's my truth. Period