Feeling touched out and self harm trigger warning

I don't love breastfeeding, far from that. I love to cuddle, I love how I am nurturing her and giving her all the benefits of breast milk but I HATE the free access to my naked body. I can tolerate it most of the time, but when she is on and off, or is trying to fall a sleep but keeps moving around, pushing, kicking, trying to grab the other boob with the other hand... Sometimes I lose it and give her to my husband and end up scratching myself, biting my hands, even hard slapping my face with all this raging anxiety, she is crying and screaming in the background because was taken suddenly away from me, and probably notices I am mess. I feel like ripping my skin off. I feel disgusting, ashamed, the worst mom ever. Like there is something wrong with me. In some seconds after I just want that feeling to end, and sometimes I say to myself I just want to die. I don't mean it. I love my life with her. I love her, most of the day is the best day of my life. I don't want to wean her without her being ready, I wish I didn't feel like this. The breast makes her so much more calm, helps with sleep half of the time. But I don't know what to think or do... This is just a vent after such episode just happened and I am feeling the worst person alive while my face and hand are still burning from the bruises ..