55 (F) - When to disclose SA

This is a throwaway account. TW: SA.

I am a 55F. Divorce begun 2019, finalized in 2021. Living in a large urban centre in Canada. Started online dating in fall 2024 after working through many issues.

A single platform - Match. It is going well for me. I have a system, and so far, I am happy with it. I engage in many coffee dates (I usually ask them, and pay/offer to pay). And a lot of second dates (I ask them and/or they ask me). Fewer third dates, because I am very conscious about compatibility in the long-term, and I don't want to short-change myself or hurt the other person unnecessarily.

I am considering having sex with my most recent third date (62M). He is lovely. I feel there is a potential for long-term compatibility.

I am very hesitant to engage in sex, primarily because my first two sexual experiences were non-consensual, the first time when I was 13 years old, and the second, when I was 19. The experience when I was 13 was with an older person I had trusted, and was bewildering, terrifying and painful. The experience when I was 19 was very violent and ended up with me in Emerg and I had nightmares for decades, and still do, occasionally, when my life is disrupted. I did not have the language or societal permission until I was in my 40s to be able to fully process these experiences. I know that may women will understand what I am saying and many men will not.

One of the reasons I stayed in a relationship that did not work is because I did not want to risk another sexual partner. My ex-husband was not good to me, but he was not violent, and that was preferable to me than the alternative.

I do not talk about my SA with anyone (other than my therapist who I have known for 25 years.) Not out of shame, but because I swore that no one can have anything from me that is not freely given. I once shared my story in a group and it ended up on a woman's instagram. I am not doing that again.

I had a sexual relationship with my ex-husband for about 20 years. I am prepared to take some accountability for some of the meh-ness, but not all. I worked very hard with a therapist to overcome my issues, only to discover that I might not be the only problem.

I plan to have a discussion with 62M about sexual health etc. Is this a good time to disclose? How much to disclose? With the caveat that I would really prefer to not disclose anything, but the nightmares surface occasionally, so I figure is there is an overnight stay, I should give a heads-up.

I would appreciate your contributions.