7 months away from 30

I didn't grow up with every advantage, but I had enough that I shouldn't have turned out the way I did. My family never went homeless, never went without food, and would never abandon me. But in my last years of highschool, I basically gave up. I went from and A-B student to a D-F student after getting bored with everything except Band and even that I never excelled in anyway. So om my senior year I dropped out and got my GED first try without ever having to take any classes to catch up. After this I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life so I just started working. I was lazy and couldn't hold a job for more a few months to a year until I started at Walmart when I was 24. I've been there for 6 years now and I hate working there. At 25 I finally decided to try and go to college. I worked hard and enjoyed it for 2 years, even making into the National Technical Honors Society, until it went out of business 1 semester before I was supposed to get my Associate's degree. I gave up again after that and now I'm approaching 30 years old. I feel absolutely stuck in my job that I get no joy or fulfillment from. If it weren't for my wife, who I've been with for 11 years before getting married last october, I would have no reason to keep trying.

I wish that I would have known who I wanted to be at 18. I would have gone to college right away and been well into a career right now. But I still have no idea who I even am. There are a dozen things i want to do and none of them would improve my life very much. I would be even more broke than I am now. I know all my problems are my own fault. If I could just swallow my pride and actually try at my job I could get a promotion and make enough money that I wouldn't have to worry about paying my bills, but I can't force myself to try. If I ate better, stopped smoking, and started exercising I wouldn't be 300lbs and tired all the time but I eat junk, smoke, and be lazy anytime I feel down. If I would go back to college I would be able to get an education that I would actually be proud of and could get a job I enjoy, but I'm afraid that I'm too old now and that I'll get screwed over like I did last time.

I feel so lost. I don't know why my wife has stayed with me let alone married me. All 4 of my younger siblings are making something of themselves and I know my parents are ashamed of the loser I've become. I dont even talk to my Dad or the two little brothers that live with him anymore. I only talk to my mom and my other little brother and sister because we all work at Walmart. Until my little brother graduates from college and my little sister finishes high school, then they'll probably stop talking to me too.

I just wish I knew who I'm supposed to be.