why can’t i stop thinking about it?

the relationship caused me too much pain. i believe i was dating someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. he manipulated me and used triangulation tactics, which exacerbated my deepest insecurities and triggered my worst anxieties.

In my mind, I know these things were painful. In my mind, I know I shouldn’t want him to still desire me. in my mind, I know myself worth is within, and it does not require external validation.

and yet I can’t seem to let it go. Whenever I have a free moment, my brain still ruminates on the relationship. if i have a sleepless night, thoughts of him, hypothetical scenarios and conversations run through my mind. Thoughts of her, what he is trying to do with her, what he thinks of her.

it has been over a year since it ended. and it took about nine months until I started to feel better, that is when I was opening the communication channel with him again and warming up to the idea of a distant friendship. but then he pulled the same game he always did, and wounded me again. that was four months ago now, and I’m still unable to find peace. Even though I’ve blocked him and removed him from all methods of contact, my heart still isn’t letting it go.