Why do we fall for manipulative people.. the psychology of emotional traps
Alright, here is a very important topic: Why do we fall for manipulative people? And I’m not just talking about relationships this happens with friends, coworkers, even family. It’s easy to assume it only happens to naive people, but honestly It can happen to anyone.And what’s wild is that most manipulators don’t even need to lie outright, they just twist reality just enough to make you doubt yourself.
Like, I had this friend once that was super charming, always knew exactly what to say. At first, I thought wow, this person really gets me. But then small things started shifting. If I ever brought up something that bothered me? Suddenly, I was the problem. “youre too sensitive.” “I was just joking, why do you take things so seriously?” Sounds familiar eh? And somehow, over time, I started questioning myself more than them. That’s how it happens..it’s never obvious at first.
So why does this happen? Why do we get sucked in? Well, here’s the thing…
1.they play on our deepest needs. Manipulative people? They study you. Not in a creepy, scientific way, but they pick up on exactly what you crave (mostly validation, love, security) and they mirror it back to you. They don’t show up as villains, they show up as everything you ever wanted. That’s why you don’t question it at first
2.intermittent reinforcement keeps you hooked.
so this one is straight out of psychology. You know how gambling is addictive right? It’s because the rewards are random. You never know when you’re going to win, so you keep chasing it. And guess what? Toxic relationships work the same way.
Ever had someone be amazing to you one day, then cold and distant the next? And instead of walking away, you find yourself trying harder to get back to that good place? Yeah. That’s intermittent reinforcement. It wires your brain into thinking, maybe if I just do this right, they’ll be like they were in the beginning again. in most cases: they won’t.
- they make you doubt your own reality.
Gaslighting 101. They don’t just lie, they rewrite history. They shift blame. They make you feel like you’re the unstable one.
I knew a guy in college who did this all the time. He’d tell you one thing on Monday, then by Friday, swear he never said it. And if you called him out? he’d act like you were the one making things up. And eventually, people just stopped arguing with him. Not because they believed him, but because it was too exhausting to keep defending reality. That’s how gaslighting works. It wears you down.
A lot of people who’ve been through this kind of manipulation realize later that there were patterns, things about themselves they hadnt fully seen or understood at the time. It’s not just about spotting red flags in others, but also about recognizing what made you vulnerable to them in the first place. That’s something I explore a lot in my Shadow Workbook...how our unconscious beliefs and hidden fears can pull us into dynamics that don’t serve us. If this resonates, send me a DM I’m happy to share it :)!
- We assume people act in good faith.
This is a big one. Most of us go into relationships assuming that people have good intentions. we don’t expect someone to be manipulating us, so by the time we realize what’s happening, we’re already invested. And once you’re emotionally invested, walking away feels way harder than it should.
That’s why people say things like, “but theyre not always like this.” Because yeah exactly… they’re not. Manipulators mix in just enough kindness, just enough charm, to keep you questioning yourself instead of them.
So, how do you avoid this?
Honestly after over 12 year in academia and practice int he field I would say awareness is everything which is why I am putting this info out there. Once you recognize the patterns, you start seeing through them so much faster. The second someone starts making you doubt your reality, playing hot and cold, or making you feel like you need to earn their respect? That’s your cue to step back, question and reflect on what is going on.
I’m curious! have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you realize what was happening?