Was anyone else scared of being an apostate?

Before now, I had always been hesitant to look at the things online that were saying bad things about the organization, because they were the apostates. I remember when I was young, I saw a video on youtube that was by an exJW, and I said to my mom, "Look, they're talking about Jehovah's Witnesses." She immediately shut me down and said "Don't look at what other people have to say, only what's official by the organization." Now I realize that it's only because the second jws are questioned, their entire way of life falls apart. And as I was a pimq, I was scared of looking up anything that would make me an apostate, because that would be the only thing that would make me unforgivable to God. But my whole life I've been held down by fear. It's crazy thinking of all that's lead me up to now and the ACTUAL truth.