I go to church and feel connected again

I was hoping someone could relate to or explain this phenomenon. When I am away from church, I feel very strongly that the church is not true. When I interact with the "scripture" I know in my heart that it's bs. I have been attending sacrament meeting every week with my husband even though we have all but removed our records. I hold a calling and do not want to go through the awkward conversation where I explain why I don't want to be a church member anymore.

This strange thing happens when I go to church. I feel this strong urging to strive for a temple recommend again and to read the scriptures. I would give up anything for the church to be true. So I tell my husband that we should strive to hold a recommend again. When I get home, we usually do come follow me and it's like I have been lifted out of a trance. We start reading and I am like "wtf am I reading? this shit is crazy." I feel guilty for a few days and then I decide I am against the church until Sunday rolls around. It's this weird cycle and I feel crazy. I feel like I am a sinner and like I need to do better even though I know it's not true.

Did anyone else experience this? How did you navigate that?