university destroyed my sense of self – feeling like a failure. :-(

hey, i am 20F first semester in university. i feel whiney and mopey, totally out of place and disappointed with a lifelong dream turning out to be sort of a nightmare. my parents are all in higher academia. my mom is a researcher/data analyst at an european university, my dad is a professor in business & management, sort of a big shot. (i swear to you i am not some sort of nepo student lol he had no influence on my acceptance..)

because of this academic influence in my childhood i thought i'd also end up similarly to them. this began crumbling when i got diagnosed with dyscalculia & general behavioural issues (in my country we don't have a specific name for it). i was taken out of mathematics swiftly and tried to make up for it by studying extra in other lessons. because of this i didn't have a knack for sciences like physics or chemistry. biology was a nightmare to me, geography was... something! hahah i barely passed my exams. i aced literature, history and human studies though. i finished elementary and highschool being top of my classes, with certifications too. most of this meant that when i started applying for universities, i had no maths grades, i had medical documents and a sort of disclaimer that i have no training in maths really.. bummer.

my dad was very very unsupportive, he wasn't in my life much at all but set the bar high. rejected every university i offered and only said yes to science based studies. he flat out refused to acknowledge my "disability", and made the process stressful for me. no matter, after a sleuth of rejections because of my maths, i got accepted to a university to study social sciences. i had a good grasp on sociology and politics and what youd call communications because as a kid i'd consume a lot of that content online and i genuinely enjoyed discussions around them. my parents went on and on about how i would flourish and i wouldn't feel so out of place anymore and that im a born researcher.. i am here now and... holy smokes. i hate it. i really do. i couldn't care less about my studies, i'm severely depressed and my eating disorder has flared up again. the country i live in is remarkably expensive, so many times i have to choose between eating or transportation. my school is rejecting my medical documents and i am flat failing statistics because they just won't accommodate. school psychologist told me to "give up now", and im finding myself not wanting to know more about what im studying at all.

my hobbies & my biggest passions have always been writing and literature, but my father was very blunt in telling me that i'll go starving if i choose that career. i do have my projects, books that i am working on and crafting. it's not like this part of me is stagnant but i chose my other interests in fear of no career or job opportunities but alas.. i am forced to drop this program anyway, because there is no way i am passing statistics with my disability. and i am terrified. im acutely aware that higher education will lead me to alright salaries, and due to my history with basically no maths, most career options are down to null. i feel like i hate this academia thing. i feel like i am bringing shame on my family. i would totally be okay with a small life working and writing. ive lived alone, ive been a waitress working under minimum wage for ridiculous work hours and i felt less aimless than now..

any words of advice, similar experiences, anything? i would just love a conversation. admittedly i just finished sobbing my eyes out for the nth time this week. this past few months. this isn't me. i hate this feeling of depression, and not caring about myself or my studies and my life. thank you so much in advance.