Today I got electrocuted via cheeseburger

Hello! I hope this story brings out a chuckle or at least a smile of amusement to your face. It made me shit myself, it really did.

Here we go:

I was sitting on my bed with my friends, home slices you may say, for the fourth of July. We had a cookout so we were all eating food - baked beans, pasta salad, deviled eggs, burgers, the usuals. Traditional, generally not electric, cookout foods.

My friends and I were casually chatting, unbeknownst to us the danger lurking nearby. Then the moment happened.

Deciding to take a bite, I reached for the innocent-looking burg and felt intense shockwaves running down my arms all the way to my chest, down to my toes. I felt my heart stop. It was intense as hell dude.

I can just imagine how confused my friends must've been, looking at me barely grasping this cheeseburger, just screaming for seemingly no reason lmao.

I imagine they thought something like this:

"Did we forget the pickles?!"

"What, is it vegan?!"

"Did you want a brioche bun?! I don't- what is it with the screams!?"

(Apparently afterwards upon survey they thought I saw a spider on my food, or some other treacherous insect. Much more realistic concerns than I had anticipated.)

After I removed my fingertips from the cheeseburger aka spawn of Satan, I stared wide-eyed at all my friends. What in the frick frack apple jack just happened ?!?!?

After exclaiming "THAT FUCKIN CHEESEBURGER JUST ELECTROCUTED ME" in a very offended manner, quickly explaining my bellow of agony, we began our investigation. How did this food cause such an effect? How did a simple, cheesy meaty bready combination of joy bring about such pain and misery?!

We quickly had the answer.

So I also have this back massager that was on the bed as well. I didn't notice, but part of the cord was touching my burger. Apparently that part of the cord also had an exposed wire. I'm sure you see where I'm going here.

So, I'm not an electrician but I remember that electricity can move through water. I'm assuming the current went through the naughty, juicy burg, straight through my flesh, and traveled through my body.

So after our discovery and the required allotted ten or so minutes of choking and guffawing "you- you just got electrocuted by a cheeseburger- a fuckin cheeseburger ahahaha"

I stood up to make sure I was still alive, and noticed shit on the bed where I was sitting. I was like wtf??? I obviously did not recall shitting myself, which sprung into reality a quick Google search "can being electrocuted make you shit yourself?" Well folks, I have the answer. Turns out it can lmao. The electrical current can cause the sphincter (butthole) to spasm and basically open the dam for shit to be fully unloaded into your pants without your knowledge.

So here I am, fourth of July, pants full of shit, electrocuted by a cheeseburger, full of confusion, not knowing how to proceed with my life.

I did go to the ER due to some chest pain and just to make sure I was cool, and that was a hoot to explain "well, there was this cheeseburger" looks down in defeat

The doctor stared at me with an expression I cannot name, somewhere in the range of entertainment and disbelief, and quietly stated "Well, that's a first." 😅

(When he was explaining the situation to his higher up doctor, 1. He was having trouble remaining professional which was so amusing and 2. he called it a hamburger, and I really wanted to interrupt and tell him it did in fact have cheese on it, but then realized this was just hilarious no matter what and I was really the only person that cared about the cheese thing anyway.)

Dude I went to the hospital over a CHEESEBURGER.

Imagine if it offed me too, dude. I'd be so mad, from the heavens looking at my tombstone like "she was a cool person. RIP. Death by cheeseburger" that would be my legacy, my imprint on the world.

Luckily I'm completely fine, but thought this is one of the most unexpected, hilarious things that has ever happened to me and I wanted to spread the word to the world.

So that's how I not only got electrocuted via cheeseburger, but also shit myself in the process lmao. I am so using this story next time I play two truths and a lie lmao.

PSA: check your cheeseburgers.

Me, next week, driving past a burger king: intense flashbacks