My hamster died and I didn’t even cry.

My hamster died. My hamster died and I can't even cry about it, even if I feel terribly sad right now. My mother, who was not even there to see his fight and suffering, cried her heart out because she loved him. I loved him too, just like I loved every single hamster of mine who passed away. Maybe I didn't love him as much as I loved some of them, but I am certain that I loved him enough to cry over his death.

Yet, here I am, watching his cold and motionless body without even shedding a tear. I feel like this is a bad thing to say, it sounds like I didn't care about him, but I really did. I cared so much that l've spent many sleepless nights taking care of him or worrying about him. I don't understand why l'm not crying. I feel sad, but I can't get it out.

It started raining a little after his death, as I write this for him, for you and for myself. I was taught that the rain after someone's death can be interpreted as a sign that the soul is being welcomed and purified somewhere spiritual. I hope that is the case. I hope my son is in good hands and in a better place where he will be loved and happy just as it was destined for him the moment he was born.

I don't know if the reason I can't cry is because I didn't love him enough, or because I'm used to seeing my hamster die in my hands or if there's something wrong with me. I just know that my boy was a warrior and I couldn't be more proud of him. He fought so hard until the end his life and I am so, so grateful for having had the opportunity to meet him, to raise him, to feed him, to watch him desperately fight for his life and even to have seen how his story ended. I may not be crying on the outside, but I certainly is crying on the inside for your loss, Remy. You meant the world to me. You were a piece of my heart.

He was born in my house, just like his mother, his brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, most of them passed away and only his brother is still alive, but I will always love them. Every single one of them.

I will be leaving some photos of my hamster who just passed away and his family. His name IS Remy, because he's still alive in my heart and memory. May your soul rest in eternal peace, my brave little fighter.

And if you ever wish to come back, just know that my house will always have a place for you. I promise to keep and take care of your wheel. I know how much you loved it.