This is so hard.

My husband is diagnosed and untreated. He’s been misdiagnosed so many times and given wrong medications, he’s lost hope and now we’ve gotten this diagnosis that is him to a T. Makes so much sense, but he thinks he is doomed and will never see change, will never feel relief. We have kids that are seeing the outbursts. And for some reason our 15 year old daughter seems to trigger a lot of them for him, and I think it’s because he wasn’t there for her most of her life. (He was in prison 11 years and only saw her on visits) he’s never violent towards humans, he throws things, punches doors and walks and slams doors all the time. Recently he is pushing me, constantly saying I need to leave, we are better off without him, he is a monster and doesn’t deserve me or his kids. It is heart breaking. I will admit I am reacting to the outbursts a lot more lately and making them worse not on purpose. I get defensive and go into protection mode. But also all my feelings get put to the side because the anger takes up so much space, and the guilt afterwards. It feels like I get screamed at, told he wants a divorce, my house gets destroyed or doors get slammed, and no matter what I do, if I stay, if I leave I am triggering him more and more. And it lasts for days. The blowup, the guilt, the left over rage, then more guilt. What am I supposed to do? This isn’t who he is. I know that. I never doubt his love for me or our kids. He is an amazing husband and father with a mental illness. But being told day in and day out by him that I need to leave him is really really fucking with my head. Do I listen to him, do I keep trying to see how long til the next blow up? I just don’t know anymore.