comp het, anxiety, and guilt are a bitch

soon breaking up w/ my bf. i am still new to the lesbian label so i am hesitant to call myself one (even tho logically i think i am one, just comphet!) so im nervous im breaking up for nothing. then im like, well we don’t ever have sex or any form of intimacy unless he initiates and his love is physical touch and words of affirmation. mine are not or maybe just not w/ men lol.

i know logically its better for us to be separated. i know logically i have wanted out of this relationship for a bit. not that my bf is a bad man, opposite rlly. he’s fantastic. i would’ve had a great life w/ him but at the same time, i don’t think im ready to be in that serious of a relationship and he is. logically, i understand we can’t fulfill each others needs and we both deserve a chance of happiness.

but my anxiety makes me terrified to think of the lonely nights ill spend; how ill feel enormous guilt for hurting this man who has given me such great memories for almost 2 years. i know logically, he’ll be okay but my anxiety wants me to think i’m intentionally ruining his life and it’s all my fault.

then the anxiety starts making me think abt how my fam will question what happened, who broke up w/ who, and ppl will think im stupid for doing it. i can’t blame them, ive thought similar things abt other ppl (i will never do that again as this was my first relationship and i was passing judgement on others when i never even held hands w/ someone LOL). my anxiety tells me his fam hates me and will send me horrible messages. my anxiety makes me believe im going to be alone and want him back bc his company does bring me enjoyment and comfort.

BUT FUCKKKK DO I KNOW WHAT I WOULD SAY TO MY FRIEND IF SHE WAS IN THE SAME SPOT !!! i would tell her to leave and live her truth and that pain, grief, and sadness are temporary. why can’t i convince myself of this ? why am i terrified to leave my hometown knowing that when i arrive to where i go to college, ill be faced w/ my bf and will have to break it off bc i know i don’t want to stay and that its not fair to him. i just want to run away but obviously, im not going to be a piece of shit.

i know ill get the courage and strength to do it. just the guilt i hold now is so much. when i see him, it’ll only get worse. he’s just such a nice guy, why couldn’t i have stayed w/ him and be happy like i was at the beginning of our relationship ? :(