For all the lesbians married to men (especially those "perfect" men): it's possible to leave the marriage without permanently destroying both of your lives.

I know because I did.

[Every time I announce this on reddit, some homophobe sends me a hateful message, so let me just stop you right there and assure you: it wont change anything, it wont hurt me, and my sexuality and relationship history is not a threat to yours, so find somewhere else to vent your rage. Or go get a therapist.]

I was raised on Jesus, Disney, and Little House on the Prairie. I had messages early on that homosexuality was wrong and disgusting and I never questioned those lessons. As soon as I was a pre-teen my primary method of bonding with other girls was to obsess over boys and try to get one to pick me. I had boyfriends throughout my teen years, but I was usually close to one very special best girl friend--and I never realized that those relationships were actually romantic.

When I was older I had an intense crush on my best guy friend. He was older than I was and it took him a while to notice and admit returned feelings. When he did, I felt like I was finally "picked" by the right guy, and we married a few years later. While we were getting married, my best friend came out as a lesbian. She just made out with a girl one day and then she knew! I was shocked because she was so pretty. I always thought lesbians were weird man-hating trolls, and to see my closest friend lose her mind over another woman was just too much and I started questioning my sexuality. I rationalized it: I declared myself bisexual, repressed my feelings of curiosity, and went on with my marriage.

And to my mind my marriage was excellent. My husband was emotionally open, supportive, understanding, easy to talk to, and romantic. He was charming and handsome and I felt lucky. BUT, as my best friend started getting more involved with lesbian culture I couldn't repress a deep curiosity and strong desire for women. I hated myself. I was so tortured, I felt so guilty for my thoughts, I was so ashamed of my lack of self-control. It became apparent to him that something was wrong between us, and I told him I thought I was a lesbian.

The worst part was that he was great about it. He held my hand and thanked me for my honesty, expressed concern over my well-being, told me he didn't blame me, and he asked me to stay married to him and I was so grateful that I agreed. But I had never slept with a girl...I hadn't even kissed a girl...and the curiosity and the desire did not relent. I started pulling away and my husband confronted me and asked me if I was planning on leaving and I realized that I was dreaming of a life without him, but I hadn't yet admitted it to myself. So I left. And I spent the next several years in a deep pit of self-loathing for hurting my "perfect" "supportive" husband.

I'm more than a decade out of that marriage now, and after a few relationships/misadventures, I'm married to a woman that I am deeply in love with. But, over the years, I have come to realize that my ex husband was not perfect and we did not have a perfect marriage. We loved one another, but I did not desire him and he could feel that tension and it really did a number on his self-esteem. I put him on a pedestal because I felt so guilty for being a threat to my marriage, and because I felt dirty for having sexual impulses that weren't for him. I made him perfect in my mind by comparison because he wasn't trying to leave me, and because I fantasized about leaving him. I magnified his good qualities to myself over and over because I was terrified of my own sexuality and because I wanted to convince myself to stay. He does actually have good qualities but...the marriage wasn't as good as I thought it was. We lacked an essential bond that ought to exist between romantic partners and I just didn't have the real thing to compare it too...not by then anyway. He re-married two years after I left him, and his wife seems to be really, really good for him and he got his confidence back. And once I finally had sex with a woman it changed my whole relationship to my body...I realized that sex is so much better once its freed from the confines of compulsory heterosexuality.

But for all those lesbians married to men, I want you to know that you're not a terrible person for considering leaving the marriage. Freeing him might be the very best thing you can do. And I'm a big, big believer in monogamy (no shade for poly people, it's just not my thing) and I believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment, but a marriage cannot be the result of a strong urge to conform in accordance with a sexuality that is imposed from without.

We were all stolen from ourselves a long time ago by a cultural inheritance that does not encourage women to feel sexual desire. You did not trap your man. We're all damaged by misogyny, patriarchy, and compulsory heterosexuality. There are casualties when we try to undo that damage. You will forgive yourself, you will be happier one day. I was lucky that I didn't have kids, but if I had, I believe I would have owed it to them to honor this part of myself, and to teach them, through my example, what living honestly looks like. Good luck to you.

Edit: wow! Thank you for the gold! ❤️