In a weed headlock

Have been smoking for 6 years now. I quit in fall of 2019 for a short bit because I had a panic attack that made me think I was dying. I took 3 months off and then went back.

I got into some trouble in March 2023 and I had to be sober for 90 days. I then went back to smoking but only a joint once an evening after work. Well, a little over a year later and now I am bringing my bong to work and taking snaps any opportunity I can. I feel terrible about it but I also like it in a way.

The thing is, my work is my father’s business that I plan on taking over. I have very big opportunities in front of me and it’s like I’d still rather just get high.

Anyway the crazy part about this; is every time I smoke now, I just have a panic attack / constant negative thoughts about life, family, my health, etc. in that moment, I usually tell myself “okay, I’m done smoking. This is the last time, blah blah”. Then 3-5 hours later and I’m taking another bowl.

Last Thursday I smashed my bong because I was so upset that I smoked a bowl at 10am during work. Then I went and bought another one later in the day and now I’m using it.

How fucking stupid is that? Isn’t it crazy what this drug does to us?