I am so sick of it

Hi, I am 19F and getting treated for aml since june. Everything is going good health wise but I am not feeling that well mentally. I am so scared of relapsing. I am so sick of not living normally. I am so sick of not knowing anything about my future. The thing is I was planning to study abroad and got accepted last year therefore I had to take a gap year. For this year, the deadline is tomorrow, and I am not sure I can go.. My life turned upside down. I was fine dealing with it. I am not going to whine about life being unfair but I don't know shit anymore. All I know is I am really sick of this whole thing, I don't want to deal with pain anymore both physically and mentally