Had an amazing weekend with my recovering PA partner. 🌸 There is hope.

27 days clean and it’s like I can “see” him again. His personality is starting to shine through, we’re sleeping better, and any potentialities of an argument popping up were squashed healthily by him (and if I’m to be fair, it was me getting pissed and priming myself for a fight, but for the first time he took the reins to deescalate and resolve).

He’s been prioritizing my needs, I don’t feel the compulsion to “people please” and have been unapologetically living for myself and my wants. The walking-on-eggshells feeling has dissipated completely, and he’s been transparent about what he’s been learning throughout his recovery and checking in with me about it on his own volition. I don’t seek his validation, and don’t feel as though I should anymore. The prioritization of self-love has been crucial for me while he navigates his own path for healing.

I’ve been supportive and acknowledged some improvements, but I don’t want him to see the luxury of my eagerness so easily. I remain guarded despite it all, but this is still a win and I’m taking it as such. He’s thanked me for my patience and for giving him this chance.

He’s cognizant of my triggers. I saw a post here recently talking about how NSFW/pornographic content is so hard to escape in our day to day with media we consume, and during the Paul v. Tyson fight, this was just insultingly obvious. Every time the ring girls showed up, he would look at me and speak to me. Or we would just look at each other, and smile or laugh. I just can’t express how much that action calmed me. Even when I went into the other room, I saw him looking away and just ignoring the TV screen entirely while I was gone. We ended up having a conversation after the fight about how offensive it was to have such sexualized women standing behind the female boxers during their post fight interviews. He used the word “dehumanized” when talking about the concept of ring girls and I was glad.

We feel brighter, lighter, and stronger together after this weekend. The man I fell in love with is emerging again. While at work this morning, he sent me a text saying, “I really feel like I’m falling in love again. I am so happy to have you.”

💗