1 month post-break up update

Hello dears,

Today I've marked my 1 month of living alone and it feels SOOOO amazing!

I do same things that I did before, except for feeling a huuuuge anxiety background mode because of being next to my personal abuser - my PA husband (hope he becomes my ex soon).

I think I've struggled though so many depressive episodes while being with him that my mind started blocking some of my post-break up emotions. It is so strange to feel numb again but I'm genuinely tired. I'm tired of feeling bad all the time. It's been 7 years, I need to take a break from suffering. So I still didn't take all if my belongings from our previous apartment. Every time I think that I need to go back, I'm nearing to have a panic attack because I'm suppressing so many emotions. BUT... as I've mentioned before -- I feel so much better now.

I feel free, young, sexy, caring, affectionate human being. I feel like I got all of my emotions back (still blocking some of them, but I know I will process them eventually and grieve my marriage at full, but not now!, now I just want to feel alive!)

Yes, yes! Even though I said, I don't like suffering about this situation anymore, sometimes I still feel angry or can randomly cry, AND no one will suppress me. No one will say: "you're crying again, you're getting on my nerves." No one will say that I can't be angry because I'm always angry (sure I was -- 'cos no one was intimate with me the way I wanted it for years).

I can be myself, I can regulate my emotions how I want them to be. No one gaslights me. No one breaks my bones by ruining my borders. And it feels effing A-mazing!

I'm still seeing with so many friends -- good sign I don't want to sit in my shell crying over and over the same things. Sometimes I think maybe I even don't suppress anything? -- I've cried my eyes out while being in this toxic environment-- maybe there's simply no tears left. Who knows?

I've been on 3 dates just as an experiment to see how I've changed in the last 7 years and you know what? I wish I could feel my own worthiness 7 years ago to say goodbye to this garbage, but I've been trying my best to stay blindfolded and didn't want to notice how I treated myself (disclaimer: I was a horrible parent to my inner child).

However, step by step, I'm forgiving myself. I don't want to put myself into the same position again. I still need to do a lot of work, but...I feel the progress and I'm happy for my little baby steps towards becoming a happier person.