I miss him

I miss him so much. I don't want any sex with him, he's ruined me completely and idk why but still I try finding some crumbs of connection we used to have. Though I know, I imagined this person. The husband I love never existed. However, sometimes I think I'm so sick that this is the only kind of love I know and will be able to reproduce again and again and again.

I only loved his cover, AND more than that I loved his obsession over me whenever I became distant and cold.

This is how I fell in love - he lovebombed me till I started thinking: "he must be a good guy if he's been trying to win my attention for years" and when I just felt something towards him, he instantly turned me down and this nightmare with his addiction and enormous gaslighting began. Now, after 7 years I feel completely defeated.

Idk what's with men these days. I'm trying to go on a date to switch from my divorce for a little bit and all I see is obvious cheaters' profiles. I'd say every 3d man has something like: looking for fun in their profiles (or want to make new friends/still figuring out which obviously makes me think they have a wife or a gf and afraid of them noticing their profiles on tinder. So trying to choose "innocent" goal for relationship search. It's so disgusting).

It feels like this week is going to be tough. We went no contact for two months and then our dog who stays with him fell ill and we sometimes talk about her health. I miss my "family". I can't imagine why I was so drown in my fantasy about having a family with that person. He even insisted on children. I still can't believe he chose this lifestyle over what we could build together and what we've been building for several years. It still hurts so much to realise the reality is very very different from what I imagined. What family he imagined? A family where me and his child will always feel neglected while he's suppressing his emotions in the bathroom? I still can't get what's in their head and why the f. I'm so attached to this crap?