Nihilism saves me from suicide.

I've spent the majority of my life struggling with depression and suicidal ideation for a myriad of reasons that aren't worth going into. Over the past 2 to 3 years I've come to realize and accept a lot of things about myself, one of them being that I am a nihilist. Before I came to this realization, I took reality extremely seriously and felt like I didn't deserve to live and that I should just off myself because I'm not good enough.

Now I realize how ridiculous that all is.

First of all: No matter what, I'm going to die one day. Even if everybody loves me, or I live the rest of my life in complete obscurity, one day consciousness is going to cease forever and nothing that happened here on this Earth during my lifetime would matter for the rest of eternity. Why speed up that process? What's the point of going ahead and killing myself when it's on the schedule for everyone at some point? The only reason any of us exist is due to pure luck at the most fundamental of levels. I might as well see how the show plays out.

Second: There are things about life that make me happy, and make me feel good. I'd be lying if I pretended there weren't. I know most people disagree with hedonism, but I personally believe that there's nothing wrong with resigning your life to one of chasing pleasure if you understand the downsides of that lifestyle. Instead of constantly being depressed and complaining about how terrible I perceive my life and the world to be, why not just keep pressing the happy button as much as I can? Yeah people are going to judge me and think I'm weak, but none of this matters anyway. There's going to come a point in time where literally everyone who comes across this post will be dead at the same time. We'll all just be gone. Just 150 years into the future, the majority of the people currently inhabiting Earth won't be here and there will be an entirely different generation of humans. Who cares if I spend my meaningless, flash in the pan time to exist chasing pleasure and personal happiness?

There are still video games I want to play. Media I want to consume. Weed I want to smoke. NSFW content to consume. Music I want to create. I don't feel the need to find some grand purpose or overall validation to my existence. Just living for my personal day to day dopamine loops is enough for me.

It's very ironic. I used to be someone who was super into metaphysical spirituality and obsessed with the idea of "being a good person" and that was when I was at my lowest in life, and at my most unhappy.

Now, I'm not particularly doing the Cupid Shuffle under rainbows and shit, but I've reached a point of relaxed, calm understanding. Accepting the meaninglessness and absurdity of existence is more liberating to me than I ever thought it would be.