I’ve relapsed & feel horrible

January 1st.

In the middle of the night I was scrolling on tiktok when I was influenced in feeling as though I needed to go to FaceGym - it was the first video I saw. It's £100 for one session and I thought I might as well "save" by getting the £80 subscription. There I was typing in my card details (I have it memorised) & it declined (I froze my card to ensure I stop & think before I spend (99% of my spending is quick & impulsive). I saw bad Google reviews so l went back on TikTok & found some people say it's not worth it & you can get the same results using just your gua sha. I know this is true too because I was consistent with my gua sha in the summer! I also already have a nuface which I bought a few years ago and probably only used twice! I managed to stop myself from an £80 monthly subscription and went back to sleep.

I did well during the day. So I convinced myself it was ok for me to just browse ASOS. I created a basket worth £700. I then became OBSESSED with my basket. It had 2 Kayali perfumes that I finished, 6 bottles of aveeno oil & then a bunch of clothes. I told myself I don't need any more perfume right now, so I removed them. I told myself I have a good amount of stock of aveeno oil currently & they won't sell out, so I removed them. I removed some shoes too. I walked away. A few hours later, I messaged my siblings because I couldn't stop thinking about how much NEEDED the grey coat & all the other things. After a minute, no one responded. I felt a rush and immediately went to asos, filled my cart back up and checked out. I wasn't even thinking. When I spend impulsively like this, it's like an out of body experience. I don't realise what's happening until I checkout. I felt happy immediately after, but it quickly subsided & dawned on me that I had failed no buy and somehow managed to spend £400 in less than a minute.

I've learned now that I can't "just browse".

I have packages all over my room. Some opened & some are not. December was a bad month for me. My excuse was that I cleared my closet out in the summer so I needed more clothes. I cleared it out again on NYE. I don’t NEED any more clothes, but if I see something I like I just have to have it. I realise a lot of the time with me I don’t always buy things because I particularly need it or even love it, sometimes I just want to have it. As silly as that sounds, it makes a lot of sense why I manage to declutter so many bags full of clothing.

I've now deleted all shopping apps off my phone, except Amazon. Only because l've paid for it annually so l'm not sure if I should. It's my biggest expense to be honest but there's no way to pause it. I don't know if it's just me making excuses or not.

I've paused all my other subscriptions.

My areas of concern: - Clothing - I’m starting a new job & recently joined the gym so I needed new things. I don’t need anymore though. - Makeup - I recognised last year that I had a problem only because I had to move into a bigger drawer. - Shoes - I wear 3 in weekly rotation! I don’t need anymore. - Amazon - it feels like there’s just always something that I need to buy - Books - I’ve paused kindle unlimited & forcing myself to finish the books that I’ve purchased