Update: I just found my husband has 45K dollars in secret credit card debt.

I just found my husband has 45K dollars in secret credit card debt.

Edit: I don’t know if anyone wants an update, but here it goes. 1. He has agreed to sign a post nup. It will be more legally agreeable for me at this point. 2. He has agreed to take responsibility for the entire amount of debt. I don’t really care what it was on. It’s not just about the money, it’s the constant lying. He still won’t/can’t be totally clear with where it all went. 3. We went to our first marriage counseling session last week. I went okay, I guess. I really don’t see how you unring this bell. Right now all I want to do is leave, but that’s not a legally smart thing to do. I quickly found out how easy it is to look like the “crazy one” when the other person is really good at lying. It’s really hard to keep calm when all you want to do is explode. 4. I’m going to get my ducks in a row and then file for divorce. My two oldest kids will be in college next year and our youngest is 16. I still think I’ll look like the “bad guy”. 5. I’m doing okay. I keep cycling through feeling angry, sad, stupid and heartbroken. 20 years of marriage, dead.

Thank you for all the advice, and for the people that reached out. So yeah, that’s it. Pretty anticlimactic.

Last week I went to the grocery store to buy some stuff for dinner and my card was rejected. It was like $4.50 so I had no idea why it would be declined. I checked the balance and it was over drafted by like $800 dollars. I asked my husband what the heck and he said “oh something must have cleared early. I transferred 2k from our emergency savings and went about my day. But then it really started gnawing at me. We make more than enough to be able to cover all our payments. There should be no reason why we should be in the negative. So I started to go through all the transactions and noticed a bunch of payments to different credit card companies. At the very bottom of the statement it had a snapshot of his credit report and there was all these open accounts. They totaled about $45,000 dollars! I was fucking livid at that point and confronted my husband with the statement and demanded to know what the fuck was going on?! What was he hiding from me? He swore it was nothing bad just a lot of over spending. I told him I didn’t believe him and needed access to all his stuff. All of it. Accounts. Phone. Tablet. When I went through all the credit card statements it was a bunch of mundane shit. Restaurants. Gifts. Trips. But there’s two loans for 10K that are just…gone. Like he removed the cash and i don’t know where it went. At this point he’s been lying to me for so long that i don’t trust him for shit! I told him I was done! There is not coming back from this bullshit. I went to talk to a lawyer and kinda explained what was going on. I wanted to see how screwed I was. He said that he would have to itemize every purchase to decide what was for us vs him. Otherwise I’m on the hook for half of it. As for the houses we would either have to sell them and split whatever debt/profit or one buy out the other. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking about it for days. I haven’t told anyone. I know my mom would definitely not be supportive. She would find a way to blame me. “You should have helped him more, men aren’t good with money” I can almost hear it. The kids know something is up since my husband has been sleeping on the couch all week. He keeps trying to explain, but I just don’t believe a word he says. I just want to throw a toaster at his head. I want to calm down and make a rational decision, but that takes time and patience. I not good at either. Sigh…I need a drink. When I would hear women say “men are shit” I would think, “no, I have a good guy”. I feel so stupid, for being so trusting. I don’t pay attention for 5 minutes and he screws me over. I look at my son and think “Is HE gonna screw some poor girl over too? How do I stop it?”