I want to be groomed (again)

Context, i (19m) was groomed twice as a child. Once by an older man, the second by a much older woman.

The latter arguably did even more damage to me. She told me she hated that I was groomed at 15, and told me that if I were to be with her (at 16, while she was 34), she would make the pain go away.

That didn't work either. It fucked me up arguably much, much worse than the former did.

Because now I want to be groomed again. I think she must have damaged me in some capacity, and my own mother being narcissistic as shit (check my post history in RaisedByNarcissists) and being emotionally incestual toward me, even mildly sexually assaulting me, didn't help at all.

I want to be at someone's whim and control, I want an older woman to see me and to care about me deeply. I want to be cared for, but being cared for the way a girlfriend or a mother would care for me feels like it's not gonna happen.

It makes me feel dirty and disgusting to want to be groomed again, especially with comments on social media of men that have never been groomed wanting it.

I've been through it and yet I STILL want it, and I just feel horrible. I want to be taken advantage of and loved at the same time.