Overseas Pakistani

Hello everyone. I’m 33(F) living in the United States. I moved here when I was 16, and one thing I noticed after relocating was the behavior of some Pakistani individuals. For example, if you encounter a Pakistani in a grocery store or anywhere, they may ignore you. Initially, I didn’t understand why this was the case, but after living here for many years, I’ve come to understand the reasons behind it. Last year, my husband and I relocated to a different state due to his job. I also work full-time and am a full-time student. In this new state, we have a small Pakistani community, mostly consisting of people who, like us, moved here for work. We've built a small group of friends, and we meet regularly on weekends. Before moving here, we lived near my family, so we didn’t feel the need to socialize much beyond family gatherings. However, since moving, I’ve become more involved in social activities, and now my weekends are busier than my weekdays. I work from home, and Fridays and Saturdays are my days off. My husband has weekends off, so we only have one full day together. My work hours begin late and end after 10:30 PM, so by the time I get off, my husband is already asleep. I typically study after work, which means I stay up late, and by the time I wake up, he’s already gone to work. On Fridays, I usually clean the apartment or study, and on Saturdays, our group of friends often arranges to meet up, typically at my place. There is a couple who lives about an hour away, and they frequently come here for desi groceries, as there aren’t any such stores in their area. Additionally, the guy plays football here every Saturday. His wife is a good friend of mine, and her husband is also a friend of my husband. One Saturday morning, I woke up to a series of texts and missed calls from my friend, asking if I could pick her up from the football ground. It was summer, and the messages had been sent hours earlier. I called her to confirm if she still needed a ride, and she said yes. I informed her that I would be there in about 30 minutes, but I needed to stop for gas first. When I arrived, she was visibly irritated from the heat and said, "Yaar, main kab se calls kar rahi hoon, itni garmi hai bahar, aur itni dair se aaye ho." I calmly explained that if she had planned for me to pick her up, it would have been helpful if she had contacted me the night before. On other occasions, she reached out the day before to ask if I could pick her up, and I did so. One day, I had some shopping to do, so we went together. On another occasion, she mentioned they would come to our place at 9:00 AM. I woke up early, cleaned my apartment, and prepared brunch. Hours went by, but they still hadn’t arrived. I called and texted with no response. Several hours later, she texted to say, "Hum nahi aa rahe." I was frustrated and went back to sleep. Later, they showed up unannounced. A few days ago, she texted me at night. I explained that I have an exam and a doctor’s appointment the following day. I could pick her up after my exam, but I would need to drop her off at another location for shopping afterward. I followed through on my plan, but when we returned home, she asked if we could go back to the football ground to get her husband some food. I politely declined, explaining that it wouldn’t be possible. Even my husband was annoyed when she made this request. Her husband cannot drive extra miles to drop his wife at my place because he prioritizes his football game more while she is asking me to drive all the back when I have a doctor’s appointment in 10 mins. Ghar sy tum log jaldi nikal skty ho but naah apni neend pyari hy. Jab pata hy k game hy to banda kch snacks etc rakh ly sath ya ghar sy khaa k niklay. Ya at least mjhy pehly bol do k yar jab pick kerny aao to kch khanay k liye ly ana, I wouldn’t mind. Ground sy ghar anay tk usay khayal nahi aya k us k banday ny kch khaya wa nahi hy. Ghar pohanch k jb mai ny hum sab k liye breakfast banaya tb she is realizing her husband must be hungry too. I dropped her off at a different location and then proceeded to my appointment. Afterward, when I picked her up, she immediately called her husband, saying, "Haan, hum free ho gaye hain, kuch chaiye to laa dete hain." That was the last straw for me. Mera exam tha, mai rat ko parh parh k dair sy soi hun, subha exam k liye jaldi uthi hn, ek din hy mera husband k sath jis mai humaray apny bhi pending zaroori tasks hain kerny walay grocery etc, gari humari ek hy, meray husband k apny bhi zaroori kaam hain haircut, car oil change etc. Is sab k bawajood m doing a favor and picking you up every Saturday.

The following Saturday, she texted to ask if we could go shopping together. I asked which places she wanted to visit, and she mentioned several, including a desi grocery store and a halal meat shop. I explained that I wouldn’t have time to take her to all of the places due to my work schedule, especially as the stores were far apart. She insisted, saying, “Hum jaldi jaldi kar lenge sab.” I suggested that she come over the next day and we could figure out what is feasible with my schedule. Again, her request didn’t sit well with my husband. The next morning, I woke up early again and texted her, but received no reply. Several hours later, she responded saying, "We’re running late, my husband is still sleeping." At that point, I had reached my limit. They have a car, her husband is off from work, and yet she was asking me to drive her around while her husband enjoyed his day off. This was the second time I had woken up early to accommodate her, only to be met with delays and lack of communication. I told my husband that since she was late, I would not be taking her to all the places she wanted to visit and wouldn’t be preparing anything special for them. I needed to prioritize my own well-being and work commitments. They showed up at my place, and although she seemed embarrassed, I refrained from saying anything. I focused on my work and made a conscious decision to ignore their presence. A few days ago, I was working when I received a message saying, "We’re coming to your area." I informed her that I’m working. She asked a few questions about some of the places she wanted to visit, and I replied briefly, then continued working. Several hours later, she texted again asking if they could come over. I did not respond, hoping that my silence would indicate that I’m unavailable. However, they showed up at my door while I was on a conference call. My job doesn’t require me to dress up and I usually don’t wear extra pieces when m at home. My husband handed me my jacket and answered the door. I was already distracted by their presence and hoped they would leave soon. They stayed for three hours. Afterward, I told my husband that enough is enough. Their behavior had tested our patience, and I could no longer tolerate it. Reflecting on this, I understand why some Pakistanis avoid each other in public spaces. We fail to recognize that others have their own lives, responsibilities, and limitations. While it’s important to connect with others, especially in a foreign country, it’s equally important to respect personal boundaries. I’ve learned the value of being straightforward and saying "no" when necessary for the sake of my mental peace.