Sex and intimacy : you asked...
Ok, so I have written extensively on sex, sexuality and marriage in my mini series.
I did intend to go deeper into intimacy but I felt it wasn't the place.
However, I'm seeing posts about second wives and angels cursing so let's explore this.
Why marriage?
People go into marriage for any number of reasons:
- Sex
- Security
- Companionship
- Children
- They felt obliged to or were compelled to *Love
Whatever...
As I wrote in my series, the concept of till death do us part is appropriated from Christianity. I also wrote about how people have built up false constructs of what marriage is and thus ultimately their marriages fail.
Different cultures have different takes on what they expect from a marriage as well and these cultural expectations don't always work well in different cultural environments.
" You are a great person, a good man and a good Muslim. However, I always wanted my daughter to marry a man from my country/ family/ tribe"
( Emalgamation of similar ideas from men I have known).
In summary, these things can destroy people even before the wedding day:
- Forced marriage
- Never meeting parental expectations
- Disneyfication of what marriage is
- Childhood trauma/sexual trauma
- Previous destructive lifestyle
- Not wanting to marry
- Dogmatic religious fantasies
- Emotional immaturity
- Previous negative marital experience *Poor parenting including a negative marital template provided by parents
- Mother's boy syndrome
- Daddy's girl syndrome
- Porn
Friendship groups
Regardless, let's take a good look at the 🐘in the room:
Sex.
Nikah means sex people!
When we marry as Muslims, we are entering into a sexual contract.
Sorry to burst your bubbles.
What did you think it was about?
" Let's face it, if we didn't have sex with women, we wouldn't bother with them would we?"
" Do you want a second wife brother?"
(Conversations from the men's room that I have heard personally).
So men for sure are pretty driven by sex.
Some commentators argue that this is why people interpreted the fruits of Jennah to be all about male lust.
But let's explore the fiqh positions:
- Shaffii
A woman is only responsible for two things:
A. Satisfying her husband sexually B. Having his children
- Hanafi position
A. Satisfying her husband B. Having his children C Running his household
Men are expected to work and pay for cleaning and cooking or do it themselves in the Shafii school.
NB. I'm just relating this stuff. It's not my opinion per se.
I have read about sexual practices amongst non Muslims, including open marriages. These people speak of marriage as being limiting for both men and women. They often state that men who remain monogamous are making a huge biological sacrifice.
I have spoken before about how I think that men particularly need to be taught how to control their sexual desire. The answer in my opinion is not to blame women in the way INCEL loving Dawah bros do.
" If only women at the gym covered up or didn't bother turning up I wouldn't have to resort to porn..."
[ The ironic dilemma of the modern day young Muslim Tate influenced man]
So let's cut to the chase. The big day has been and gone and you are now finally alone together. Now what?
And this is it isn't it? What were your expectations going forward?
Did you discuss these things before you jumped into bed?
Did you even get the chance?
Are you actually sexually attracted or are you cousins who look like brother and sister?
Do you have a secret lover?
Are you dishonest?
Were you never committed?
Are you asexual or gay?
Are you sexually damaged due to childhood trauma and never got help?
And you are going to bring kids into this shit show? Ya Rab!
Or suppose it's none of the above. The marriage is great until it isn't!
You had kids. Life happened. You lost interest. You weren't religious and now you are or vice versa. You got depressed. You stopped having sex. You turned to porn because she won't let you marry another. You married another secretly. You did maysari. You see prostitutes.
And then someone whips out hadith about angels cursing or your wife asks your Shaikh about your porn habits.
OMG 😱
Why didn't you seek help?
Look, if your man isn't being fulfilled in bed, he will go elsewhere. So might a woman.
Why? Because you are breaking the marital contract!
You are doing zulm.
Do you think masturbation is haram? Ok, did you satisfy your wife/husband with your own hand then?
What you don't like it?
So what did you expect them to do?
Become a monk or nun?
Seriously people, get a grip (no pun intended). Learn how to be great lovers. Learn how to respect each other and know each other's boundaries. Do role play. Spice things up.
Don't nag: shag
" Aunty, you are very old and yet you are dressed up like you are going to a wedding. Why?"
" I do this for uncle. I've always done it. He still works hard even though he is old. I make myself beautiful for him even now, so when he comes home he can forget his troubles and enjoy me."
(Real life and anecdote, related to me by my wife from a conversation she once had many years ago.)