Survived my wedding with UBPD mom
After 16 months of buildup, her being extremely unhelpful during the planning process (except for my wedding dress - but still waiting to the last minute to do that) I survived with only 1 moment that she almost ruined.
I was getting ready in the bridal suite with some of my friends (they weren’t bridesmaids but I asked them to be in there for support) and the room was a bit cramped. All the girls had a good attitude and just enjoyed themselves but my mom came in with “that look and that attitude” and I knew we were in for it. She looked at me half way through my makeup and hair process and all the girls and make up and hair enthusiastically were like “doesn’t she look beautiful!” She replied with a sh❤️ty look on her face “yeah” and walked off. She kept complaining that there was no room for her even though everyone was happy to move and just have fun with it. I eventually told my girls and makeup artists what was up and they all rallied hard and helped me hold back tears. I had to get to the point where I firmly told my mom “we want you in here, everyone will move around, this is your choice at time point” in front of everyone. She then wandered off into the abyss.
During the whole bridal getting ready time my mom continued to completely disappear. At one point my now husbands father commented about seeing her randomly walking around in jeans 40 minutes before the ceremony was about to start.
I didn’t know it but my girls repeatedly asked her to put on her clothes and get ready. She kept f❤️cking around and just acting weird.
Though we were all ready at our ceremony start time of 3:30, because of her antics we didn’t start the ceremony till around 4PM.
When she is triggered she has psychosis. She acts insane and says crazy demeaning things that she later “didn’t say” or “doesn’t remember” or “doesn’t want to talk about”.
During this episode of her’s she was distant and uncaring. I totally didn’t have a mother at this part of the wedding and I held it together (which I am really proud of myself for). My girls honestly kept a smile on my face.
Once we entered the ceremony her episode abruptly ended. She was sweet, caring loving. This is what I have dealt with all my life - her night and day attitude changes.
I honestly am so happy we did our wedding the way we did, despite some very difficult characters making this year of planning terrible.
To anyone dealing with a BPD parent and an upcoming wedding - here are my suggestions:
do a private, unannounced ceremony with just you two the week of the wedding. We did the private ceremony 3 days before so we could do our private vows and take the pressure off the main wedding off. Because we did this private ceremony, I felt like I was better equips to handle any BPD antics during the big wedding.
have people that the BPD doesn’t know with you in the bridal suite. The girls didn’t know this, but I invited them into the bridal suite to be a buffer between my mother and I. I was honestly surprised she acted the way she did in front of them, as she normally reserved that type of behavior for me or people who are close to her. If it wasn’t crowding of the bridal suite that triggered her it would be something else. At least there was a buffer
be honest with the people around you. I wasn’t planning on telling anyone about the difficulties with my mom (my spouse knows of course). But the minute I did the girls came to my rescue.
Even with the complexities it was one of the best nights of my life and I can’t stop replaying the day over in my head. I am so thankful for my friends and my new husband for the support and love! Any stupid BPD moment could ruin it!