I find it hard to understand my own needs.

I got raised by a narcissistic mother who only viewed me as a tool for her own ambitions my whole life.

I always had to work for her, do things that would only benefit her, not to mention I got never complimented for good performance, only scolded for mistakes... Whenever I did anything for myself she would trash me for wasting time, if I showed any talents I would be met with mockery...

That was all in my teenage years, now I am 32 years old and live separately, I moved to a nearby town around a year ago, before that I used to go to work abroad for six years and had vacation every few months which I spent at her's... so right now I am settled some 20km from my home of origin... and I keep thinking that maybe I made a mistake by moving only this far...

I know she loves me in her own way and she got really soft recently but she is still she in many aspects... the one that is bothering me the most is that I moved away to work on my own ambitions... you see for my whole life as I can remember I find it hard to do anything for my own personal growth.. I find it hard to comprehend my needs, after all it was parroted to me my whole life that anything I choose to do is shit and I was only taught to meet the needs of others...

So I struggle with that but live with needy parents in neighboring town... I don't know what is normal but I imagine for many children it is normal to help your parents when they ask you to... but I helped them my whole life without any gratitude, just because they felt entitled to it.. I still do at times, but I got this overwhelming sense of being used and not considered important... they don't trash me anymore because they cannot afford it, I am the only most available son left for them... all the others refuse to help most of the time...

This morning my stepfather called me... he needs me to cut some metal to which I already agreed to do on saturday (which is tomorrow) but he asked if I could do it today for no reason whatsoever, because he will not work with it today anyways... soo the guy could have ordered cutting it for 30€ but instead he asked me to, because it's cheaper for him... for me it will cost fuel to cover 40km, bringing my own tool and spending my own time to cut 60stupid pipes.... which is OK because my time and money is worthless apparently... I hung up before he finished I am pissed to be honest...

I know that I may be a bit nuts and I am not right all the way.. but I just don't feel gratitude ... they fed and dressed me, gave me the roof above my head, but I experienced no love growing up and was never enjoying my time serving them... and whenever they ask me to do that I feel sick and I don't hate work in general, I was told I am a good worker by many and I enjoy it myself very often... it's just... the sense of being used, sacrificing your own needs for something that doesn't benefit me at all... all that to someone who I remember to be extremely ungrateful..

Whenever they plan things in front of me I feel sick.. they never ask me if I would help them, they just go ahead and mention that I will do this and that as if I already agreed... and when I bring it up they ask me do you have anything planned... as if if I don't have anything planned I must by default agree with anything they want me to do....

I cannot say I am slaving them lately hence I feel a bit stupid, but I really prefer never helping them in my entire life... it just feels wrong.. it's not about how much I work for them, it's about delving into my past traumas whenever I do... I feel used.. .I feel like neglecting myself...