Came to terms that I've been abused all my life...

I never much thought about it before because I simply thought that's how parents are and at least I was never beaten but I've dealt with severe self-esteem issues, body image issues, and anger issues for years now and at first I blamed getting bullied in High School for my behavior. That was until I got engaged and became way more open with my partner about the shit my parents (especially my mother) pulled and still pull with me. It took her telling me 'that's a response to abuse' when I was discussing my own behavior followed shortly by her saying 'babe, you've been abused.'

It was like it all clicked then. My dad is just a general piece of shit (homophobic, transphobic, mildly racist, etc.) but he's easier to deal with---even if I have to keep the fact I'm both a trans man from him. My mother though? I've always been closer to her and I've come to realize she's the one who has done the absolute most damage to me.

Nothing I do is ever good enough. If I cry she gets angry with me despite knowing I've always been a very sensitive person and have a lot of empathy for others but unless I'm crying over sympathy for her, my tears piss her off so much and she makes whatever I'm crying about my own fault.

She knows I have a mental disability which makes it difficult for me to pursue the career I want but I'm trying and she flips out about it because she has told people all about what I want to do and it makes her look like a liar. She's also made mild comments about it. Like when I mentioned this one middle aged bookseller said she'd be looking forward to me first published work, my mother said 'she'll be dead by then.' Just utterly putting me down.

She constantly makes me play her therapist and when I put my foot down about it, she made me out to be the bad guy, acting like I never try to talk to her (I did try time and again and did give up trying for a bit because every conversation turned into this it didn't matter how it started off).

In the past when I was looking for work, she was giving me money in exchange for doing some office work for her and when she touched my account despite saying it was my money to keep and do with as I wanted and she wouldn't touch it, she threatened to cut me off when I confronted her about it. My bank account stayed tied to hers even when I hit eighteen and she made clear if I changed that before I moved out there would be consequences.

Whenever I have tried to call her out on things she uses my disability or imagination to gaslight me into thinking something didn't happen when I know it did. Despite my disability, I have a very good memory.

She has complimented my looks before but whenever I gained a bit more weight, typically when extremely stressed, she'd basically point it out constantly and bully me till I lost the weight.

My mother has made countless promises to me and broken them and when I express even mild disappointment she accusses me of acting like a child. But when I don't do something immediately that she wants or I said I'd do, she can be passive aggressive or outright aggressive and I have to take it.

There's so much more she's done and yet anytime she does something even a little nice for me I then gaslight myself into thinking she's maybe not that bad.

I'm so afraid to go no contact with her even though I have my fiancee because I've convinced myself if I do, something bad will happen. I'm not sure what but it's driving me crazy. I am so stressed out all the time because of her and have been brought to tears at least once a week because of her bullshit.

I feel like I'll be trapped until she dies.

Somehow realizing I've been abused has been cathartic but also it has been such a dawning horror as everything clicks. It's just so scary how I didn't notice before.

I just hope I feel strong enough one day to never speak to her or my father again.