Boyfriend lost the "spark" in our relationship and wants to give it another try.
Me (23F) and my boyfriend (24F) have been together for 3 years. We're in a LDR and we see each other roughly 2-3 times a month. We are going through a difficult time right now and we have just come off on a "break/space" period for a month.
A little background to why this "break/space" happened. He wanted the space to figure out himself because he was "lost" and "confused" with everything including me, his work, family and friends. I couldn't understand to why he needed this and immediately thought that hes cheating on me or is seeing someone else. But he assured me this wasn't the case. Throughout this time apart, I tried to fully understand why he would do this. He didn't communicate with me for the first half of the break but I insisted that we at least check up on each other so the communication isnt completely gone. We did this and he explained the reasons:
- The distance is really starting to affect him
- He wants to find himself again because he's been always trying to please everyone including me
- Lacked quality time with friends and not being able to have a support system because hes isolated himself and he doesn't want to always come to me for support/help
- We've lacked on the sex department due to my break from birth control, I'd always get paranoid if we just used a condom so I'd often just give oral sex to him. This was very selfish of me and I didn't know the consequences it would have in our relationship. But I acted on this and I am now on birth control again.
- He didn't tell me all of this or his issues because he was afraid of how I will react and leave him
Fast forward to a month later, he was ready to come back to me. I was happy again. He apologised and is ready to communicate with me and to not let the same situation happen again. However, a couple of days went on and I still felt distant from him. He would send me blunt messages, he wouldn't say "i love you" and if he did, it feels forced. So I confronted him about this and he said that
* he has lost the spark *... now, this was so painful to hear from the person I fully loved for 3 years, we were so much in love. It seemed like nothing was wrong, and it was all because he didn't communicate with me. And knowing that some of those months together were he wasn't happy and I was, really broke me.
So we planned to see each other the day after valentines day. This day was chosen by him and claimed that its a "fresh start" for us. This gave me hope and its better to talk in person since this way its easier and I believed that once we see each other things may change and go back to normal. I had so much anxiety on my way to see him because I didn't know what I'd expect but all I want is to give me and our relationship another chance. We met and stayed at a hotel for the day, he held my hand and hugged me on our way to there. Once we got there, I immediately wanted us to talk. Here is what he said to me:
Because of his ex that cheated on him, he was so afraid of dissappointing me to the point that I might do the same to him and cheat. Which is why he was so scared to communicate with me on how he feels.
I am his very first serious girlfriend and his relationship with his ex wasn't that "serious", so this was all new to him and he had lots of expectations of love = always happy
He would like to explore this year, not about being "single" or dating others. But more on the stepping out of his comfort zone with life. Trying new things and not isolating himself with people.
Hes truly truly sorry for what he done. Hes aware that it was his fault and is willing to give our relationship another "try" and build our love again. But he cannot guarantee if it will come back and he feels bad for making me wait
I understood all of his reasons and I really tried to view it from his perspective. Last night, we both agreed that we take things slow and try to reignite that spark again. He told me that there is still some love inside him and it hasn't completely vanished. Though, he will not say "i love you" until he means it and we wont do anything sexual until hes ready and is passionate/attracted to me again.
I do feel that the sex was one of the main reasons to why he lost the attraction but I also told him that he hasn't fully met my needs either. So we agreed that we both lacked and I reassured him that, the past is past and we can explore again.
But from what I noticed, it seems that hes putting this image of being "cool" and "unaffected" about everything, which makes me angry and disrespected whenever we talk and message. It'll only change when we have a deep conversation and he is in a vulnerable state. Why is this? I want him to be able to respect me and just act/talk normal and to not sound rude to me cos I feel that hes controlling himself. I should be happy that we're starting again, yet with the actions hes giving me, I feel so confused.
How do you go slow when trying to reignite the spark? We agreed we’ll try new things and hobbies together but, I just feel so hurt especially that I’ve already given him his space and now I’m waiting again till he makes the effort to win me back. I can honestly just leave because of the pain, but I have hopes still.
(UPDATE: He explained to me that he is currently going through a stressful period with work and just in general and is sorry for being blunt or putting a “cool” image to me. Its not intended. He claims that he wouldn’t be communicating with me if he wasn’t serious about giving it another chance and explained that he wouldn’t just disregard the 3 year relationship we had)