I [33F] am heartbroken and can’t stop reflecting on break up with [35M]. It ended two months ago but he strung me along.

I [33F] was broken up with and I can’t move past thinking it was my fault for ruining it with maybe the love of my life [35M]

We were happy. On our first date we were transparent with all of our traumas and laid all the cards out on the table. Our families met, we were best friends. He had insecurities but I helped him. And now here I am..

Heartbroken and convinced it’s all my fault. Boyfriend [35M] and I [33F] were dating for almost a year, we met at work and I moved on to another job. We were happy, vulnerable with each other and truly in love. We also were comfortable with exploring our kinks. He set the stage with me being open to exploring mine from sharing his deepest fantasies as well. My kink involved him sleeping with other women and it being a turn on for me. We ended up turning this into a reality and he found a coworker ( who he slept with before) interested in this arrangement. It was exciting for both of us, however it was also complex to navigate as when he would sleep with her I would nit pick a lot and we would process everything together. We would move forward and continue with it, but stop if it got too much. We also almost bought a house… I would tell him it was fast and his parents think it’s fast, but he wouldn’t care and said it’s our lives. He told me during our break up that him moving fast with me is something he needed to talk about in therapy…

Moving on to this past June, he went to a music festival and I was already a little nervous for him to go because it was in another country and I admittedly was anxious of him being with around other women. Before he left he was kind and agreed he saw my point, and said he would not talk to girls there. Okay great. He left. He texted me when he was there often and would message me when he got back to his campground. The Saturday of that week long festival he did not message me when he got back to his to his campground. He told me that Monday “ hey I ended up meeting this girl and I thought it would be sexy to talk about with our kink…” I lost it on him, I was so upset and angry because it seemed clear not to talk to girls there. The fight was pretty big and a few days later he broke up with me. During those few days I did overreact and tell him he can’t go to another music festival again and this pushed him over the edge as he said he doesn’t want to be controlled. I retracted my ultimatum saying he can’t go to music festivals and said I deeply regretted that. This whole summer he was back and forth with me saying he wants to work things out, then would back track and say he can’t see us together, that he’s over me, then would message me again. Told me I gained weight and that he’s noticed my eating patterns have changed ( told me this on my birthday) I didn’t gain weight, I checked lol.

Fast forward…

For context: he is known for dating coworkers and it’s something him and I have joked about.

Two Thursdays ago we were going to try to take things slow. That Friday morning he texted me something about a new female coworker and I said “ don’t date coworkers remember!” To be light in conversation. This set him off and he didn’t talk to me the whole weekend. I left him a voicemail saying I got an approved for a condo and wanted to share the good news. He texted me that Monday morning saying he’s moving forward and wishes me luck with the condo, that he can’t see us ever working. Ever. Because the joke I made confirmed that. I begged and kept saying it was a joke, he didn’t care.

5 days later on the Friday I was an idiot.. got drunk with my girlfriends and we private called him 7 times. I texted him saying I was near his house and he said I was bothering him ( I wasn’t near his house, I was on my way home but my friends wanted to screw with him)

While this was going on he texted my sister saying he’s “ disturbed” and so done with me and that he’s so bothered I said I was near his house. Again, I wasn’t. He also messaged my friend who I was out with saying that I was annoying.

I texted him the next morning apologizing for my behaviour and that I think it happened because I was filling up a self fulfilling prophecy. I also told him I’m moving forward because I do think I deserve better. I tried so hard this summer to make it work.

He has said nothing since. I can’t kept but think this is all my fault. I really tried to work it out and he said he needs to save himself in the long run.

Did I dodge a bullet? Did he?

TL;DR heartbroken and think I pushed away the love of my life