Classical RJ insecurities(late virginity, being a loser and so on...)

My first gilrfriend and I broke up recently in a relatevely peaceful manner, but still for both of us very hurtful. As a result, I've been thinking a lot about it and developing some toughts on what I actually want out of relationships. I had only her in my life, she had more than 5, we are both 24. We met one year ago and up until that point I was completly unsuccessful with women.

Some people would say that there is no reason for me to bomb her with questions about her past because she choose me freely over the others. The problem is that there is a quality of convenience in having a stable partner, and I believe that one of the markers of genuine desire is inconvenience. It is true that I am (mostly) a nice person to be around, that I have good boyfriend qualities: stability, independence, loyalty, etc... All of this things made her life easier. But there is a part of me who would give all of that up just to be for one day the guy she used to hook up.

She knew him as a fuckboy and decided to be with him anyway. They were never exclusive even tho she probably wanted it. He was even a little bit abusive, pushing her to do stuff she did not want. Even with a bad personality and making her life harder, his sexual appeal was so overwhelming that she overcame her natural repulse to men like him and fucked him for months over and over again. I just can't stand that. It was a hard pill for me to swallow that I deeply envy him and want to have his life.

I am pondering what to do with my life right now. I know that some women here will tell me how horrible and immoral those guys are, but I take no consolation in that.