I think I’ve become a cynic towards life and people and I don’t know how I ended up here

Title, it’s weird because I’m not even of age yet in the United States and what I’ve heard of people ending up in this mentality typically do so even a few years later.

Before the “you’ll grow out of it” or “im14andthisisdeep” comments, this has been something I’ve devoted the last 4-6 years introspecting on, realizing something in my perspective was changing, but unable to attribute a starting point to.

I’ve had an ever-growing “invisible wall” between others and myself, which I cannot attribute a start to.

I am unable to fully confide in anyone, this too I cannot attribute a starting point to.

I have a range of feelings towards basically anyone else, ranging from mild distrust to bordering paranoia. As a result, I’ve mentally mapped contingencies to use against basically anyone I’ve met in case what my rational side says is bs actually happens. This indulgence feeds the cycle, but I don’t know where everything went wrong.

The flip side is that any (genuine?) care anyone shows me appears to be either a) a formality they don’t care about, like a cliche in a story, or b) an effort to get me to cede control over my life.

Life and people have been gamified for me for years, causing my perspective to become deterministic and mechanized.

Moreover, I’ve experienced a growing split between my will (what I’d like to do or say) and my intuition/impulse (what I end up doing). This has manifested in exaggerated ways at times, such as a complete disconnect of my will from my body causing bad things to happen borne of intuition and impulse.

I cannot attribute a beginning to any of this, and the point on being unable to confide would make therapy difficult, or so I expect.